


Music is a melody of my love

by loveisagame_726



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Band Fic, Drug Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Forgiveness, Heartache, Humor, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Indie Music, Love, Multi, Music, Sex Drugs and Rock and Roll, Song Lyrics, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-04
Updated: 2016-12-18
Packaged: 2018-08-19 13:25:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 32,217
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8210176
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loveisagame_726/pseuds/loveisagame_726
Summary: 5 years ago Tikru hit the bigtime, now achieving world-wide music success. But with success comes sacrifice, with their lead singer knowing all too much about that. Eventually things get too much, and the band need to face the music back home. Is it too late for members of the band to finally get back the people they love?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Just an idea that came to me, let me know what you think!

They sat down in their usual positions, with Lexa taking the centre seat. It had always been this way, ever since their first press day. Looking at each other, they gave reassuring smiles.

5 years.

That’s how long they had been on the road, show after show, country after country, never having much time for themselves. They had took in their stride, they loved what they did and they worked hard. After all they were the best-selling indie band in the world at the minute, with multi-platinum albums, and no.1 singles worldwide. Everywhere they went, there were crowds of loving fans, and with millions of followers on social media there wasn’t much they did that nobody knew about. This was the life of Tikru and it had been for some time, but for one member of the band it had got too much and something needed to be done.

“We are here to announce that after our show on Saturday, we will be taking a well-deserved break from music” No one but the band knew the reasons why, and after a flurry of questions the world would know that after such a long time, they just needed some time to recharge their batteries and spend time with friends and family. An hour later, Anya, Lexa, Bellamy, and Lincoln boarded the plane heading back to the place where it all began; Polis. None of them knew what would await them there, it had been a long time since any of them had gone back to the city they grew up in, began writing songs and fell in love.

5 years is a long time. Or was it?

* * *

 

“Come on Clarke, you was supposed to be up an hour ago” Raven called, she had been waiting for the blonde to wake up for some time now. They had to get to the scene reading, and pick up their other best friend along the way. All three were part of a post-apoplytic show which was now heading into its 3rd season. They were extremely lucky, they had all grown up together, each being cast in different films and TV shows which had led them to being where they are now. Extremely successful actresses, that was for sure, and Raven was proud that they had got this far, especially considering there was a time she didn’t think they would get out of bed after they had their hearts broken at the same time. But now they were as strong as ever, all living together in their loft apartment in the city, nothing could bring them down.

“Clarke Abigail Griffin, get your ass out of that bed!” Raven began walking down their corridor which had their rooms leading from, one thing she had learnt about her friend throughout school and university was the fact she was the worse for sleeping in. Entering Clarke’s room she found the blonde dressed and sat on the edge of her bed, eyes fixed to her phone. Clarke looked up into Raven’s eyes, and she knew. No words were needed, the sadness in her eyes gave it all away, and there was only one person in this world that could do that to her best friend, her sister, her Clarke.

“They are coming home” Clarke whispered, and that was all it took for the girls to wrap each other into a hug and cry, and it was in that position that Octavia later found them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You asked for another chapter so here you go!

In 2 hours they would be home. Lexa wasn’t entirely sure how she felt about that but it had been a decision that the band had made as a whole and there was no way her band members would let her out their sight these days. She sighed, it didn’t feel like they had been away for 5 years, practicing in Lincoln’s garage and performing at local bars and events. She could even remember the night their world completely changed;

_5 and ½ years ago_

  
_“Hi we are Tikru and this is our song ‘In the Stars”_   
_They were regulars at this particular bar and the band were finally getting to perform an original. Lexa was nervous, by god she was nervous, she wrote this song from the heart._   
_‘I can get lost at sea_   
_Would you be there to save me_   
_I know, I know_   
_You don’t need to say the words’_

_As she was singing she spotted her, her girlfriend of 2 years. They had known each other all their lives being neighbours, and Lexa knew when she was just 7 that she would make the girl across the street hers, she even told her parents who smiled and said they would make a great couple._

_‘I can get lost in your eyes_   
_You wouldn’t even believe_   
_So blue, so blue_   
_Even the stars couldn’t save me’_

_She smiled, that smile that could make her heart skip a beat even now. This song was all for her, and she didn’t even care that everyone could tell, commander heart eyes, which her group of friends refereed to her as, was truly on show to the audience._

_‘In the stars there is our love_   
_There is nothing more to say_   
_You are mine_   
_I am yours_   
_It’s in the stars’_

_Eventually the song came to an end, and there was a deafening applause. They had been a success, and just like every night after a gig they went over to their friends who congratulated them. Looking around Lexa could see how great her group of friends were, they all grew up together and had gone through so much, they were a family and nothing would break that. Smiling she went over to get a drink._

_“Lexa is it?” A middle aged guy approached her, who was wearing a business suit – clearly out of place._   
_“Yes and you are..?”_   
_“Titus, CEO of Heda Music” Heda Music, Lexa knew it well. It was one of the most successful record companies in the country with artists and bands achieving global success. What did he want with her?_   
_“Hi, what can I do for you?” She replied._   
_“I am here to offer you a record deal, you and your band.” He smiled, he knew talent when he saw it and as soon as the band began playing he was intrigued, but then they played their original song and he knew he had to sign them._   
_“Seriously?” Lexa couldn’t believe it, was this really happening?_

That seemed like yesterday, and merely a week after that meeting her and rest of the band were flown out of Polis leaving everything behind. And everyone. There was a condition in their contract, they had to be appealing to the fan base, which meant they had to be single to give off the availability factor. In one week their lives changed and Lexa did the one thing she promised she would never do. She hurt her, her soulmate.

 

* * *

 

 

It had been days since they had found out the news, that the people who had broke their hearts would be back in the city. Raven kept to her usual self, doing as much work as possible keeping herself busy and Octavia spent most of her free time in the gym, she was going to look the best she could if she bumped into them. However, it hit Clarke the hardest. Unlike the other two, she was left with no explanation, no promises of a maybe in the future. She was just left to wake up alone with no girlfriend beside her.

So she spent the past couple of days either working or cooped up into her studio room in their shared apartment painting, only eating when the girls made her. The thought of seeing her again, made her angry. That was what she was she was angry. It wasn’t until days later when she spoke to Raven and Octavia that she knew what had happened to her girlfriend, but by that time the damage was done. It had taken her years to get over it and move on, well the best she could and she wasn’t stupid she knew the other two were still on talking terms with their exes, but they kept it from her for obvious reasons. No, she was not doing okay and all she kept thinking about was the day her life changed;

_5 and ½ years ago_

_She had spent the night with her girlfriend, mixed with stolen kisses and promises of a tomorrow. It had been perfect. Finally she woke up and found the bed empty, where was she? Normally she would be the first to rise and would bring Clarke a cup of coffee, trying to get her to function before any work schedules. Looking at her phone she realised it was nearly the afternoon, and the only messages she had was from Raven._

_Quickly getting dressed, picking her girlfriends t-shirt to wear, she heading to the living room where she found Raven and Octavia curled up on the sofa. Both of them had blood shot eyes as though they had been crying for some time. Instantly Clarke’s heart raced, “What’s wrong?” she whispered._

_Raven looked up at her, and she didn’t even need to say it, Clarke knew. She had gone, she had left with no goodbye, no explanation. Their group was broken, she was broken, Raven and Octavia were broken. How would they get through this?_

Breaking down that day, made Clarke realise she needed to be stronger. For herself and for her friends. Eventually all three of them turned their heartache into something, they became so successful in their careers eventually they put their past behind them. Raven and Octavia got their explanation and their goodbyes, but Clarke never did and that day a part of her was lost. A part that she knew she would never find again.

Finally, she put the paintbrush down. Her work was finished. It was a clear painting of a tall brunette facing a crowd of people, but the eyes told the story. Of heartache, sacrifice and longing. Clarke knew the reasons, she knew the sacrifice that had to be made but she would never be able to forgive the lack of explanation, the opportunity for her to be there. Without hesitation she ripped up the painting just like the others. No, she would not let this person back into her life, love was weakness after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so here is another chapter. I appreciate the comments and I am going to keep writing, already got a few more chapters completed!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Love the feedback from the last chapter, but don't hate Lexa too much she has her reasons!

5 days since they landed in Polis, and Anya had caved. She needed to see her, it had been too long and she knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. Her sister, Lexa wouldn’t understand so she couldn’t bring it up, but Lincoln he knew. They both chose to explain to their love ones the decisions that they made, and even though it was hard they excepted it. But Lexa she chose a different way. Anya and Lincoln never understood why she chose to just up and leave, but then they listened to the songs that they performed night after night. It was obvious to them.

Stepping into the familiar bar, she smiled. It was exactly the same. Stage set at the back with a dancefloor and booths across the right. The long bar with old photos of previous artists and bands who had performed there, was hard to miss. Recognising a photo of herself and the rest of the band she grinned. They had come a long way since the early days. But it was those days she longed for.

“What can I get you?” A tall lanky barman walked over, with floppy hair. Anya smiled, she knew that face anywhere.

“The usual Jasper” He smiled when he recognised her. Their group had done nothing but talk about the bands return, treading carefully not to express how excited they were, and he was so glad he got to see his old friend.

“It is so good to see you” Stepping over the bar he gave Anya a hug. Anya was taken aback, but soon settled into the familiarity that was Jasper. He was always the one in the group that never took sides, and made perfect cocktails. There had been many times she had helped him talk to girls, who then asked for her number which would always be their private joke.

“And you” They fell into easy conversation, catching up as though no time had passed. It wasn’t long before she heard the door open, and she didn’t need to turn around to know that it was her. The girl that had her heart, that made her smile, laugh and be angry all at the same time, the girl who became her rock when her parents passed and who held her hand when she was sick. The girl that she knew she had loved the moment they met, but it took years of stubbornness to finally admit to each other how they felt. 4 years younger than she was, this was the girl that she had to say goodbye too and broke her heart.

Not knowing what to expect, she stood from the bar stool and looked at the girl she hadn’t seen for 5 years for the first time. Before she knew it she felt the sting on her face, well she deserved that slap years ago.

“That’s for leaving me without anyone to watch Game of Thrones with”

The next thing she knew she was held in a tight embrace, the familiar embrace that she had missed so much. Before she knew it she was sobbing, “I’ve missed you so much Rae”

 

* * *

 

 

She had finished for the day, and was heading home. It had been a long day of filming, and she wasn’t too happy with the writers. Her character was finally getting a love interest, but there was going to be betrayal which just didn’t sit right with Clarke. It felt too real. Octavia had headed back earlier, and had promised a movie night as Raven had made plans. Still frustrated, she pulled up her Audi at the park close to where they lived.

It was the park that she had spent many days/nights at with her friends and her ex. It was also the park that she last spent time with her dad before he was in an accident 4 years ago. Smiling at the memory she began walking around the familiar sights. There was something about this place that made Clarke feel safe, like a part of her dad was still with her when she was here. All she had here was happy memories. Eventually she came to a stop at the fountain and sat on the edge. It was here she made a wish the day she was with her dad, she remembered it clearly;

_4 years ago_

_“Come on kiddo make a wish” Jake was smiling at his daughter. They had spent the day together after he had finally dragged her out of her studio. That girl would get lost in her art for days if no one bothered to stop her._

_“Dad I am not 5 you know, I totally know it’s pointless making wishes” Clarke sighed, what was the point in wishing for something that she knew would never come back.  There was only one thing she wanted._

_“Humour an old man, come on” Rolling her eyes, she took the coin her dad had offered her. Closing her eyes, she thought about the one person she wished for. It was pointless, but she would humour her dad._

It had been some time since she thought about her dad. He was her rock, her best friend and he got taken from her so sudden. Killed in a car accident, driving home after that day they spent together. That was when she knew that she would never be coming back, she never got in touch or showed up at the funeral which only made Clarke hate her more. She had been part of the Griffin family since they were little, hell Jake even saw her as another daughter.

“You seem lost in your thoughts princess” Clarke would recognise that voice anywhere, the other guy in her life that she trusted.

“Bellamy!” she hugged him so tightly. He was the one person she had kept in touch with, he was like the brother she never had and the one person she would talk to about anything, well almost anything.

“Good to see you to princess” he laughed, it had been a long time and taking in Clarke he could tell she looked good but it was her eyes that gave it away.  The spark was no longer there. Octavia was right.

“How you been?” Clarke sighed at the question, what should she say, that she is great or that she is so unbelievable angry and frustrated with how life keeps being against her or how the one person she needs to see is the one person she hates. No, there were too many emotions going on in her head.

“You know me Bell, taking each day as it comes” She smiled, to anyone that didn’t know her well they would think it was genuine, but Bellamy knew. This was the girl that was pretty much his sister, how he wished he could make things better.

“Good to hear, anyways I’ve been informed that someone is having a movie night?”

“Yes we are, come on it’ll just be like old times” Clarke pulled him up and they began walking to her car, movie nights had been a thing for her and the Blake’s, when everything got too much. It was just their thing. Lost in conversation on the way to the car, Clarke didn’t notice the brunette stood by the tree line watching the two walk away.

Once they had left, the brunette stepped out of tree line and walked over to the fountain and sat where the blonde had only left moments ago. Seeing the blonde took her breath away, even after all this time, she had that effect on her. So much had to be said but she didn’t know where to start, and seeing how Clarke reacted to seeing Bellamy she just knew she wouldn’t receive that kind of reaction. They were back because of her, but now she was back she didn’t even know where to begin, feeling more lost than she had the past 5 years and it wasn’t as though she could drink or take anything to get rid of her problems. No, she had to face it head on, but for now she looked up to the stars knowing there was one man she wished was around, “I miss you Jake, I wish you was here”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How do we feel about Ranya?   
> Let me know your thoughts on the chapter :)


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay to some of the band didn't keep their distance completely for 5 years, I mean would you if you loved someone?  
> Lexa reasons will come to light soon enough!   
> Hope you guys like this chapter :)

He was nervous, he wasn’t sure why out of all them he had been the one that broke the deal months after leaving. There was no way he would risk his heart like that, he knew she was the one and with one random meeting away from the band, he knew he was right. So for the past 5 years he had been secretly in a relationship. They had kept it from everyone, their friends and family and would skype, text, call and meet randomly when they could. But this was it, they could finally be together and he was nervous. She always made him nervous.

Stepping out the car, he made his way into the restaurant where a couple of press photographers were already situated. Well they were on a break but that didn’t stop the vultures he thought. At least they’ll get a photo to remember he thought. Making his way in he said hello to the restaurant owner, who led him up to the balcony which had been decorated earlier with candles and fairy lights. Her favourite. As he was taking everything in, he heard her heels on the stairs. This was it.

Turning around, he didn’t know what to say. She was beautiful as she had ever been, wearing a teal dress with her hair pinned back. If anything she was just as beautiful as the day he finally plucked up the courage to ask her out on a date, on a note he got Raven to pass her in school as he was too shy even he was 2 years older. He smiled they had come a long way since those days.

“Octavia you look, WOW” She smiled, and kissed him. It was passionate but short, saying everything they both needed to say. He couldn’t wait, he would do this now.

“Octavia Blake, you are my everything. From the day you agreed to go on a date with me to now, you are the reason my heart beats. I don’t want to live another day not having the world know that you are my everything, my soulmate, my quilt stealer and most importantly my other half, will you marry me?” He got down on one knee, and looked at the girl he wanted to be his wife and as her tears were welling and she smiled, and kissed him saying yes, he knew that he was truly happy. She was his everything.

They spent the rest of the evening talking about everything and everyone, laughing at how they thought their friends would react. As they left the restaurant, Lincoln made sure to stop for a photo giving a clear shot of the diamond ring that was now placed on Octavia’s ring finger. He didn’t care about anything right now, other than the girl by his side. She had been his world for a long time.

 

* * *

 

 

Her phone had been constantly buzzing for the last hour, but she had been so wrapped up in her painting she chose to ignore it until now.

***Group Chat***

BabyBlake: So bitches, me and Linc have something to show you

BabyBlake: IMG attached.

RavingRae: OMG

RavingRae: Shotgun maid of honour!

BarmanJas: This is amazing!

BigBlake: Happy happy happy!

Anya: Congrats, nice ring linc ;)

Linc: I had some good help obviously!

BabyBlake: I love it!!!

RavingRae: We need to celebrate!

BarmanJas: Party at the bar!

BabyBlake: YESSSSS!

Anya: I’m in

RavingRae: Of course you are, but don’t think you can outdrink me!

Anya: I may have been away but that is still easy to do!

RavingRae: debateble, hows your face?

BabyBlake: Face? Do I want to know?

Anya: Sore, but it’s fine plenty of kisses made it better ;)

RavingRae: O don’t worry, An just got what she deserved

Anya: And then some ;)

BabyBlake: I do not want to know!

BigBlake: Im in on the celebrations!

Monty: Congrats!!!! And im in!!!

RavingRae: Montttty where have you been?

Monty: Saving the tech world, but always got time for my fam!

RavingRae: Yes! So that’s pretty much everyone, Clarke…Lexa?

TheCommander: Congratulations!!! & yes I am in, but no drinking for me ;)

RavingRae: HaHa the commander being well behaved these days!? That’s not what ive read in the magazines ;)

TheCommander: A lot’s changed, and well magazines talk shit, my pretty face just sells them ;)

 

Clarke couldn’t believe what she was seeing, she was back and conversing with her friends. What was worse her friends were acting as though nothing had happened. She had been right, Raven and Octavia had been holding out on her. Removing herself from the group chat she turned her phone off and heading to her room locking her door. Deep down she knew she was being childish, but she felt betrayed and lied to by everyone.

 

 ***Group Chat***

PrincessClarke left the goup

BabyBlake: WTF

BigBlake: Well…

Anya: ‘awkward turtle’

RavingRae: O, are you home?

BabyBlake: No im at Lincs

RavingRae: Okay, I’ll head home see what’s got the princesses knickers in a twist

BigBlake: No I’ll go, you stay with Anya

Anya: How did you know?

RavingRae: Well if he didn’t, he now does

BigBlake: You guys think I’m clueless

BarmanJas:  So is that a no on the celebration? I’m already making up cocktails…

BabyBlake: NO IT IS NOT!

BablyBlake: 10pm be there or be square J

TheCommander: I’ll be there, I’m never square

Anya: Well there was that one time…

TheCommander: ANYA!

 ***Group Chat Ended***

Bellamy arrived at Clarkes, using his key that Octavia had already given him. It hadn’t been the first time where he had volunteered to coax the girl out of whatever mood she had gotten into, albeit the past few years it had been over the phone, but he knew the girl well and it take a genius to work out what was wrong. Hell he would feel the same if it was her.

“Clarke” He called, knocking on her door knowing it would be locked, the girl hadn’t changed from when she was little, he could even picture her sprawled out on her bed wrapped up her quilt, cuddling the teddy she has had since was little listening to music or watching Netflix. He wasn’t far off.

“What?” The door snapped open, with an angry blonde on the other side.

“Clarke, come on talk to me, what’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?”  She snapped, “How about how everyone seems to have completely forgotten what happened and is just acting as though everything is normal? How my two best friends had clearly been lying to me all this time? Or maybe the fact is my ex, who shattered my heart into tiny pieces is back but hasn’t got in touch, but is quick to agree to celebrate with MY friends?” collapsing on the floor, Clarke broke. Bellamy was the one person she could lose it with, she had done so many times.

“Okay, I get it I do. But listen to me, this isn’t easy for anyone, especially Lexa” Clarke scoffed, “Honestly Clarke, I saw her, I saw what it did to her, what it still does to her. I don’t know the reasons for anything else, but I know this; Octavia is your best friend, she’s your sister and she has got engaged to the guy that she has loved for so many years, do you want to miss out on being there for her because of one person?” He pleaded with his eyes, knowing Clarke would never let anything get in the way of being there for her family.

“Right okay, you have pled your case and I see your reasoning but there’s one condition” Clarke mischievously grinned.

“And what’s that princess?”

“I need to look fucking hot!” Laughing, Bellamy picked the girl up and looked at her, “You always will in her eyes, you know that” that’s all it took, and Clarke hugged Bellamy tightly, she would look hot tonight and make her ex realise what she had lost, but also she wanted to feel confident enough to even be in the same building as the girl, the girl that still had her heart, “I know, I miss her so much” she whispered.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of happiness, but Clarke feels betrayed - should she?  
> Bellamy as the middle man? I atually think he is going to be a big part in keeping things civil in the group, what are you thinking?  
> Let me know your thoughts on what should happen next!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter, I am so into this story it's unreal! 
> 
> Okay so a bit of back story of the band in the chapter, briefly touches on some sensitive things!

The party was in full swing, old friends and new had gathered at Arkadia, which was Jasper’s baby, to celebrate Lincoln and Octavia’s engagement, with the press gathered outside who had clearly got word of the festivities. Already there had been calls from Titus, which the band had ignored allowing their manager Indra deal with him tomorrow, after all she was Lincoln’s mum, who had been the one pushing her son to propose and gave her full support of the relationship these past 5 years. ‘Watch her she’s sneaky’ Anya had once said, and Lex smiled as clearly her sister had been right all along.

Taking everything in, she realised she had missed this far too much. The familiarity of everything and everyone. Her friends dancing, Raven and Anya had basically picked up where they left off. She always knew that would happen, it had taken them too long to admit they liked each other to not be together, and she always knew Lincoln was still dating Octavia. He wasn’t great at keeping secrets, if anything it made her wished she reached out to her but she knew she couldn’t. Staring at her drink, her non-alcoholic cocktail that tasted like Dr.Pepper, she felt at home. But there was something missing, she knew it.

“How about you sing us a song?” A drunk Raven plopped up beside her, “You know just like the old days” Just like the old days, that made Lexa smile because as much as it felt like it, it surely wasn’t, not for her, not without her in her arms. “I mean only if you think you can” And there it was the usual Raven coaxing Lexa into doing something she didn’t want too, it had always been the case as the smaller brunette knew Lexa wouldn’t back down.

“Raven Reyes one of these days-“

“O Lexa we all know you’ve been dying to get back on that stage” Anya piped up, her sister knew her well. She walked up to the stage and picked up the guitar that she used to play whenever she was here, she was surprised it was still around and Jasper hadn’t sold it off to make some money. Grabbing a stool, she began tuning her old friend, not even realising the music had been cut ad everyone had found a seat in front of the stage. Just like the old days. Looking out in the audience, she focussed on the place that she would always find her sat. However, this time that seat was empty.

“Hi my name’s Lexa and well this is a song I guess I wrote from the heart” Her usual introduction when she was here, just like old times but she wasn’t going to perform something anyone knew.

_‘Been so long since I saw your face_

_I wonder if you still know my name_

_As the memories start to fade_

_It was always you_

_I see them when they look at me_

_Eyes full of wor-ry_

_But I can’t help them_

_I’ve made my bed’_

She looked at her band mates, they hadn’t even heard this song. It was so personal but given the place they were at it felt right, so she allowed herself to get lost in the music.

 

_‘All the booze, all the drugs_

_Don’t seem to keep you away_

_The demons in my mind_

_Even when I’m standing on the edge_

_You see it was always you_

_No matter what_

_Distractions don’t work no more_

_I’m lost in this mess_

_You still have my love’_

Playing the guitar she looked up, and there she was. Just like old times.

 

_‘When I left you it broke my heart_

_I don’t even know how to start_

_& there is no high that can replace it_

_Even when they pull me back_

_It was always you, you were all I had’_

Singing the chorus again, she lost herself in the melody, she didn’t notice the tears that filled her eyes and she finally ended the song, with all of her friends sat in shock. They knew Lexa, they knew her lyrics were always based on her feelings or something she had gone through and it hadn’t taken the long to read between the lines of this song, that and the fact that she hadn’t been drinking. The girl in front of her was no longer the commander, the lead singer of Tikru, the girl who had broken Clarkes heart but the girl that was also broken and had been for some time. They truly felt for her.

 

Clarke looked straight into Lexa’s eyes, the eyes that had been her safe haven, that would always made her smile but all she felt was anger. Without saying a word, she got up and left, it was too much and she couldn’t take it anymore.

 

* * *

 

2 days had passed since the party at Jasper’s and no-one had seen Clarke. When Raven and Anya had got back that evening there was no sign of her. Everyone was worried, she hadn’t done a disappearing act since Jake died, and they only found her by chance. Octavia, was worried but also annoyed at her best friend. It was meant to be a happy occasion but yet she felt guilty. They didn’t know what to do, clearly the blonde was hurting but how could they make it right.

“I just don’t know what to do” Octavia said to the rest of the group. Anya, Lincoln, Raven and Bellamy had all come around to the girls apartment to have a movie night, but had ended up discussing Clarke.

“Well she was angry I know that, she felt hurt and lied too but when she went to the party she seemed happy, excited actually to show Lexa what she was missing” Bellamy laughed, Clarke was determined to make her ex regret her decision, but when she stormed out of the pub he didn’t understand what had happened they hadn’t even spoken yet.

“It was the song” Everyone looked at Lincoln, “What do you mean?” Raven asked, they all knew that the song was about some of the things Lexa had been feeling and the things she had been dealing with.

“The lyrics, ‘there is no high that can replace it, even when they pull me back, it was always you’ that’s the moment Clarke left. That’s when she realised”

“Realised what?” Everyone seemed to get it, but Raven, there was something that wasn’t being said and well she had her suspicions.

“It was about 6 months ago…” Anya Began.

 

_6 months ago_

_Just a normal day for Tikru, they were scheduled in the studio to continue working on some new material with a radio interview later on in the day. Bellamy had been the first to arrive and instantly noticed something was wrong. The building was open for one thing, and it looked as though someone had forced their way in. Walking down the familiar corridors, he took in the smashed glass and instantly called the rest of the band to hurry up and get there. He had a bad feeling._

_Normally it wouldn’t bother him that there was no one in the building, they pretty much had the place to themselves when they wanted to record. The fact that it was situated in one of derelict parts of the city never bothered them, it was actually one of the reasons they chose it, a safe haven away from the craziness of their daily lives. It was also one of the reasons, why one of the band members also chose to live here, having their own apartment above the studio. One of the reasons Bellamy was concerned._

_Walking in the studio, he noticed that there was no damage like the corridors, and instantly he knew he needed to head up to the apartment. Fear was setting in, he had seen it. The past few years they had all seen it. Their best friend, sister falling deeper into the bottle. It didn’t matter these days what bottle it was but recently that had led to drugs, anything to get a high. And he knew the reasons. The first year everyone took it in their stride, performed, wrote and gave their all to the fans. Bellamy knew that Anya struggled and eventually reached out to those back home. Lincoln was already keeping his relationship a secret. But their lead singer just gave into the rock star role. Every night drinking, smoking and hooking up with whoever took an interest, and it was Bellamy that would pick up the pieces the following morning. However, recently it had gotten too much. Drugs he could never stand by, and it was putting a strain on the band._

_Stepping into the open living room he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. The place was unrecognisable. Furniture ripped apart, guitars smashed, it had been trashed. There was blood too and that’s what made him panic. What the hell had happened. He felt someone else enter the room and saw Anya and Lincoln behind him, who both looked scared._

_“The roof” Anya whispered, if they were to find her that’s where she’ll be. They all knew it, it hadn’t been the first time she had made her way up there after a night of chaos. Heading up, they didn’t know what they would find. Bellamy was the first to step onto the roof terrace, which was once a peaceful area for them to relax after a hard days recording, but now it was just a mess as the scenes downstairs. Looking ahead they saw her in her usual position, sat on the edge of the roof._

_Silently they sat beside her, and Bellamy had to stop his gasp when he saw her. She was messed up, like she had taken one hell of a beating. She had a bust lip, black eye and scratches all around her. Her wrists had also been cut. This was no usual sight he would find her in, she had been beaten and they were unsure who was responsible for her wrists._

_“I fucked up, I'm sorry” was all she said, as she looked at all three of them and began to stand up to throw herself off the edge._

“…We grabbed her before she fell. It took her days to talk, but turns out her recklessness had led her to owing and pissing off the wrong people. So she took a beating to avoid the press finding out, she didn’t want to wreck the band’s reputation. We have never seen her like that, we knew she was struggling, she always had but she threw herself into the music and being the rockstar Titus kept pushing her to be. To this day we don't know if she cut herself, but we knew she felt like there was no other way” Anya was sobbing as she finished the story, it had taken its toll to see her best friend, her sister like that.

“What I don’t understand is what made her want to do that?” Raven had listened to the story, but it didn’t add up. From what she had heard and seen in the media, Lexa was the true rockstar taking everything that came her way in her stride. The girl she knew and grew up with would never do anything like that, drugs especially.

“That’s the thing we don’t know. Afterwards she didn’t talk, she had a meeting with Indra and she agreed to get clean, no alcohol or drugs and no partying other than ones we as a band had to show our faces, even then she missed some” Bellamy explained, it was something that bugged him too, “It was after that we agreed as a band she needed to come home, she needed to feel safe”

“She needed Clarke” Sighed Raven, they all looked at each other and they knew, there was only one person Lexa needed. The one person who no-one knew where she was.

 

* * *

 

It had been 3 days since she left Polis and she had headed up to the cabin, her safe haven. She needed to get away, to think. The cabin was set in the forest outside the city, far enough to feel totally away. It had been her dad’s cabin and he would take her growing up to draw, have adventures and swim in the lake. Everyone assumed it had been sold when her dad died, but he had left it to her, not even her mum knew she had it. It was her secret.

The cabin itself was cosy, with two bedrooms, a living room and kitchen and balcony area, with an outdoor hot tub. It was a small piece of tranquillity with its own docking and small boat. Smiling, Clarke remembered her dad saying it was his own stamp on the world, his man cave. She reminded him that most dad’s had their man caves in the basement of the house to which he replied, ‘Where’s the adventure in that?’. The past few days she had spent reminiscing about her time here with her dad, which had led her to being out on the balcony painting the view in front of her.

When she took off from the bar, she didn’t know where to go and just drove. The next thing she knew she was here, and the past few days she switched herself off from the world, calling her manager to tell her she needed some time alone. Seeing Lexa had been too much, and she was no fool she understood the song. But that was what hurt the most. Lexa, her Lexa was hurting so much and she didn’t know, hadn’t been there. She took that chance away from her the morning she left with no goodbye, and Clarke hated her for it. She just didn’t understand.

Putting the paintbrush down, she grabbed her phone. It had been turned off the whole time she had been here, but she couldn’t hide from the world forever, so she turned it on. There was no surprise the amount of notifications and messages she had, Raven had especially gone out of her way to bombard her with apologies and updates. Her friends understood how she felt, and she knew they did but she just didn’t want to talk. However, there was one message that caught her eye;

**Unknown Number: Clarke, everyone is worried, I am worried. I know you are at the cabin, did you think I wouldn’t remember? Just let everyone know you are okay, Lexa.**

Well that was one for the books. It had been 5 years and finally the big ole commander felt it was okay to message her. She was angry before, but now she was worse. How dare she make out she cared. No, she wouldn’t allow her back in her life, in her heart. Not wanting to keep her friends worrying too much, she decided she would let them know she was okay;

***Group Chat***

PrincessClarke: I am safe, don’t worry

RavingRae: OMG She is alive!! Where are you? Are you okay? I can come meet you? Movie Night?

BabyBlake: Yayyyy! Clarke, we are so sorry we understand please just come home so we can have a movie night

BigBlake: I’ll even buy ice cream

PrincessClarke: Cookie Dough?

BigBlake: I suppose…

Anya: The princess is alive, thank god another day of Raven’s disappearing theories I may have had to make her disappear!

PrincessClarke: HaHa I am guessing being kidnapped by aliens and coming back with superpowers featured?

RavingRae: You know it!

BabyBlake: Are you coming home?

BarmanJas: Yes, your alive I don’t need to close the bar for the man hunt

PrincessClarke: Manhunt?

RavingRae: It was touch and go and well one more day and we were coming to hunt you down

PrincessClarke: O god!

PrincessClarke: Guys, you do realise there is one of you that knew where I was the whole time right?

RavingRae: WHAT? WHO?

BabyBlake: What now?

BigBlake: Not me that’s for sure

Anya: I swear to god, whoever knew better say something because I have had to deal with a crazy Rae too long!

 

If she was going to feel guilty about her friends worrying, well she was bringing Lexa down with her. Why the girl hadn’t told her friends was beyond her;

 

PrincessClarke: Tall, brunette, greeneyes, left me alone in bed heart broken, ring any bells?

RavingRae: Lexa! You have some explaining to do!

RavingRae: Clarke come home, I’ll protect you from the big commander ;)

PrincessClarke: I’ll be home tomorrow, and don’t worry Rae I don’t need protecting!

BabyBlake: Movie Night, cuddles and ice-cream J

BigBlake: Cookie dough it is, see you tomorrow princess!

***Group Chat Closed***

 

“You knew where she was this whole time?” Raven stormed into Lexa’s room as soon as the chat had ended.

“Hello to you too, please come into my bedroom” the tall brunette rolled her eyes, she had expected this as soon as Clarke had told the group she knew. Thing is she didn’t know, she just assumed. It may have been 5 years but she still knew the girl well enough to know where she would disappear to when she needed space.

“Why didn’t you tell us, I have been going out of my mind worrying”

“Even if I told you it wouldn’t change anything, she wouldn’t come back until she was ready, so I respected that and gave her the space she clearly needed”

“Space from you, not us!!! She needs us, you don’t get it Lexa, you don’t get what she went through, how broken she was” Raven looked up at Lexa and gave her a stern look before walking away, she couldn’t understand why Lexa kept this from the group, she thought they were all back as a family but clearly not. Grabbing her jacket, she left the apartment that the band had begun living in and shot Anya a message telling her to meet her at hers, she couldn’t be around Lexa right now.

As the door slammed shut, Lexa fell back onto her bed. She was annoyed, hell she was but in a way she deserved it. It had been hard to see everyone go back to how things used to be and not be able to have that. She knew being home was what she needed, if she had carried on the path she was on god knows where she would’ve ended up. But something was missing, well someone and she didn’t know what to do about it. Picking up her phone she scrowled through her messages that she had been ignoring since she had been here and noticed one she received 3 days ago; 

**Clarke: You hurt me, more than I have ever been hurt and it makes me so angry that seeing you doesn’t change how I feel about you. Why did you do that to me? Why couldn’t you have talked to me? Given me a chance, us a chance! We could’ve be just like O and Lincoln.**

Looking at the time it was sent, she realised Clarke must have been drunk but that didn’t change how she felt reading it. Lexa knew though it wouldn’t have been like that, she was the lead singer. It was easier for the other guys to be more secretive, not Lexa every single thing she did was monitored, well nearly everything. Only Indra found out about the drinking and the drugs, and one verbal warning from her scared her enough to keep clean. But If Clarke knew, she would never forgive herself. She couldn’t do that to the blonde. If only she could have a drink now, just one shot to take of the edge. Grabbing her keys, she headed out to the one place she knew she could relax. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so it took me a while to get the whole desperate situation with Lexa right without going into things too graphic, she's got some issues which will come to light and be part of the reason she upped and left Clarke...feel free to let me know your opinion on that!
> 
> Thoughts welcome! 
> 
> Also the lyrics on the songs in this story are actually my own, so apologies if they aren't perfect!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There won't be an update for a few more days as I am going away and I want to work on my other fanfic but I made this a little bit longer!

He was so happy Clarke had reached out, but like everyone annoyed that Lexa had kept it to herself where she was. So he headed to his old local bar, not that he would tell Jasper he was betraying him, there was just something about the place, and well someone. Walking into familiar sights, Bellamy walked past the pool tables and took a seat at the bar. It was still the same, smelt the same.

“The usual Blake?” Bellamy just looked up and nodded. Same barman, it was like going back in time. Taking a sip of his Guinness he looked around. There were the usual lads playing pool, with some girls watching them. Over in the top corner he spotted the same group he would play poker with. It was like time hadn’t passed here.

“She misses you” Bellamy looked up, he looked back at the barman that was once like a father figure, hell he nearly became his father-in-law if he hadn’t left.

“I miss her too” he did, every single day.

“Why don’t you go see her?” Bellamy just shook his head, he couldn’t do that. It had taken him all this time to come here and see Pike.

“Pike you know I can’t do that, it wouldn’t be fair on her and well-“

“No, you are here things have changed. She still loves you and she knows the decision you made wasn’t easy, but she knew it was for the best, for the future, for his future” Bellamy just shrugged his shoulders, it had been 5 years he hadn’t seen her, 5 years being as successful to provide for her but he was scared. Finishing his drink, he asked for another and glanced back at the door. That’s when his heart sank.

“How long has she been here?” He asked Pike.

“About two hours, hasn’t touched the drink just keeps staring at it”

“Don’t serve her anything else” Bellamy walked over and sat in front of Lexa.

“What the hell you playing at?” He was angry, at Lexa and himself he should’ve known she was struggling with everything that happened these few days.

“Don’t Bell, I don’t need a lecture” She slumped back in her seat, when she arrived her she was determined to drink herself to the bottom of the bottle, but when she sat down with her drink she checked her phone. Without saying a word she slid her phone across from Blake and brought up the message;

**Clarke: I get back tomorrow. I know we run in the same circles, and I know that everyone has seemed to quickly pick up where they left off. But I haven’t Lexa, I hate you for what you did and I hate that I still feel something for you. Most of all I hate that you never turned to me, never explained. I know you, so I know there is more to it. If you can’t tell me then tell your friends, don’t drink your problems away. A wise guy once told me sometimes it is easier to run away but even braver to face things head on. Face things, be the Lexa I remember, that I loved.**

* * *

It was 6am and as far as she was aware everyone she lived with were not early risers, so why there was a racket coming from the kitchen she didn’t know. Annoyed at being woken up, she went to investigate, leaving a sleeping Anya in her bed. How she had missed that sight. Grabbing a hoody, and hockey stick, which she still had no idea why she had it in her room, she carefully stepped out of her room and along the corridor. She could hear cupboard doors being slammed, and the microwave beeping. Well if they are being robbed, they must be hungry. Carefully she stepped into the kitchen, hockey stick held above her head ready to strike, only to be met with a yelp.

“For fuck’s sake Clarke what the hell!” She dropped the hockey stick and walked up to her best friend giving her a hug, “I thought we were being robbed” she mumbled.

“I was hungry” Clarke replied, embracing her friend. She had arrived only 10 minutes earlier.

“Hate to say it, but you look like shit” Raven looked at her friend, she looked like she had barely slept or showered.

“Yeah I feel it too” What she didn’t tell Rae, was she spent most of the day before running amongst the trees trying to forget her emotions to find she couldn’t sleep, which led to the early morning arrival. It didn’t help that she was still waiting for a reply from a certain brunette, but knew she shouldn’t get her hopes up.

“Babe come back to bed” Anya walked into the kitchen, having woken up to an empty bed.  When she saw a dishevelled Clarke, she didn’t hesitate and hugged her. Truthfully she felt for the blonde, her sister could be an ass.

“Hello to you too An” laughed Clarke.

“I’m half asleep and will deny everything if you speak of this” Anya whispered into Clarke’s ear, she didn’t want anyone to think she cared or anything. Stepping away, Clarke grabbed her bag from where she left it along with her microwave mac ‘n’ cheese.

“I’m going to go get some sleep, your right Rae I haven’t slept in days. How about we have a group movie afternoon/night?” She owed them an explanation she knew, but right now she wasn’t feeling it.

“Sure thing princess, I’m glad your home” Raven gave her another hug, and let the girl head to bed. She turned to her girlfriend and gave her usual look when she was worried, “She’ll be okay” Anya quietly said to the burnette as they headed back to bed. Raven hoped so, but she knew she couldn’t stand by and let this continue, grabbing her phone she began letting the rest of the group the plans, purposely leaving a certain brunette out. They needed to be there for Clarke right now;

***Group Chat***

RavingRae: The princess has returned

RavingRae: Movie afternoon/night is a go

With it being so early she didn’t expect any response, but her friends knew the drill.

 

* * *

 

 

One thing that hadn’t changed was the freedom Lexa felt whenever she went running. She had got up this morning and rode her motocycle out to the forest. Bellamy had given her his usual pep talk when they left the bar, and even told her about his troubles. It only made her realise just how much she wished she could make things better, but that would mean explaining everything and she didn’t want to do that. It didn’t take her long to find the usual trek she would spend many hours walking and running on. Eventually she found it. The cabin.

Smiling she noticed it looked exactly the same. Smelt the same too, as she walked along the balcony and walked through the door. She knew Clarke wasn’t here, she still had the find friends app on her phone with Clarke’s location clearly showing she had returned to Polis. Stepping across to the kitchen she poured herself a class of water and headed to the back bedroom, where she had spent many nights in, sleeping only occasionally, on her previous visits. The bed had been made, typical Clarke, and on the bedside there was the book. Her book. An old torn and used copy of the first Harry Potter. She remembered the day Clarke got it;

_When Lexa was 11 and Clarke 9_

_She ran up the stairs and bounded into Lexa’s room. Lexa’s parents had let her in, like always and she couldn’t wait to share with Lexa what her dad had brought her._

_“Lex, look!” She jumped on the bed, and shoved the book straight under Lexa’s nose. Both girls loved to read, with Lexa normally reading to Clarke, the books that were a little difficult, as she was a little older._

_“Is that?” They had been talking about it for days, both girls saw the book in the bookstore and had been begging their parents to get it them._

_“Yes!!” They both smiled to each other, and got comfortable, “Read it to me Lex” Clarke could read well, she just liked hearing Lexa’s voice, but she didn’t want to admit that._

_“Okay but first we need to put your name in it so everyone knows it’s yours if you lose it” Clarke grabbed a red pen and began writing. Once complete she gave it to Lexa to check,_

_PROPERTY of Clarke Abigail Griffin and Lexa Woods._

_Both girls just smiled at each other, and began to read._

Rubbing her finger over the now faded pen in the book, Lexa took a seat on the bed. She knew even all those years ago that Clarke was hers, and she was Clarkes. It was just the way they were with each other. She picked up the book and began to read, noticing the pencil marks that Clarke would make when she didn’t understand a word and would get Lexa to explain. Half the time, Lexa knew the blonde understood she just wanted to get Lexa to explain something so she could spend more time together. They were both as clueless as each other, back then, after all they were so young they didn’t understand that what they felt was love.

After what felt like a lifetime, Lexa got up from the bed and walked back out to balcony and that was when she saw it.

The painting.

It was of the scene right in front of her but with a man holding the hand of a blonde girl who was holding the hand of a brunette girl. They had their backs showing, so you couldn’t see the faces but Lexa knew who they were meant to be. “O Clarke” tears filled her eyes as she stepped up to the painting and she noticed the post it note on the bottom of the frame, “I miss you”. Lexa wasn’t sure if that had been left for her, but she took it anyways. She had done running. She needed to be home, she needed to make things right.

***Group Chat***

BabyBlake: So excited for movie night

BigBlake: I am on my way

PrincessClarke: Only enter if you have cookie dough

BigBlake: IMG SENT

PrincessClarke: YES!

Anya: I don’t like Cookie Dough…

PrincessClarke: WHAT? GET OUT OF MY FLAT NOW

RavingRae: She’s never even tried it!!!

PrincessClarke: OMG Rae you’re a shit girlfriend!

Anya: Who even said she was my girlfriend…

BarmanJas: I can’t make it

BarmanJas: IMG SENT

Clarke looked at the image and it looked like the bar was rammed, there was no way Jasper was getting the chance to leave. What caught her eye though was the stage. Lexa.

Anya: Is that my baby sis?

RavingRae: You are my girlfriend that’s what you was saying last night anyways…

Anya: Anything to make you smile

RavingRae: Anything?

PrincessClarke: I do not want to know!

BarmanJas: Yes that is the one and only Lexa, she has been here for half an hour and already my bar is rammed, what is it with Tikru fans

Anya: You love it J

BarmanJas: True dat!

BabyBlake: How about we go for a drink and support...?

RavingRae: In

BigBlake: In, Jasper I’ll be there in 2 let me in around the back

BarmanJas: Sure thing, all of you come in from the back, this place is getting busier and busier

 

Clarke was hovering her thumb over her send button, she had typed that she would go but she was unsure. She didn’t want to be the one to break the group but at the same time she wasn’t ready just yet to see Lexa again, she had literally got back this morning from the last time she saw her.

 

Monty: I’m in, and I’ll be bringing a friend.

RavingRae: You have friends? Who are you stranger?

Monty: Funny!

PrincessClarke: I am in, but I wont stay long me and cookie dough have plans, huge plans ;)

RavingRae: We need to get you laid! You and cookie dough!

PrincessClarke: Are very happy thank you very much!

***Group Chat ended***

Raven and Anya were waiting for Clarke, they had got ready quickly before the blonde would change their mind.

“You think she will be okay?” Raven asked Anya, she couldn’t help it she was worried she didn’t want her best friend to disappear again. “Yeah, she will be im more concerned about Lexa, it isn’t like her to spontanoulsy perfrom on stage without us, Titus will go mad If he finds out” The band still had their contract to uphold, and that meant no spontanouse gigs which all of them hated as that’s how they really got to love their music. Titus would go mad if anything gets shared, and Anya knew that had already happened with the amount of people she saw at the bar.

“Come on let’s go” Clarke walked out of her room wearing tight skinny jeans and her retro baseball top, with a leather jacket thrown over her shoulder. She looked good even if she was going for the casual look. Her hair and makeup was natural and she had picked up her snapback just in case it was needed. The girls would occasionally bump into fans of their films and shows so they would sometimes wear a disguise, with Raven always coming up with inventive ideas.

They jumped into the car as Lincoln pulled up, he was designated driver and Clarke couldn’t help but notice they all looked pretty similar with their outfits. They really were like a family. As they pulled up in the pubs car park, they noticed the crowd around the entrance, Anya sighed there was no way out of this one. Titus would be furious.

“It’s okay An, I’ve already spoke to my mum she’ll deal with Titus” Lincoln could sense the tension from the older brunette, and he was worried too. When Titus gets angry he takes it all out on Lexa which only sends her to the edge, they just didn’t need that. Not anymore. Anya gave Lincoln’s shoulder a squeeze as she stepped out the car and grabbed Raven’s hand. They could see the press and she was no longer hiding anything. Raven gave her a questionable look to which Anya pulled her in close and kissed her, “I am not hiding us anymore” She whispered in the younger brunette’s ear. Raven grinned, finally she thought.

As a group they walked to the back entrance, with cameras already flashing. Stepping inside they could hear the sultry voice, that was Lexa, it was no longer mixed with the booze and the drugs like it had been these past 6 months and both Anya and Lincoln looked at each other. They missed this sound. Settling into the booth that Jasper had already reserved for the group, they could see that Bellamy and Monty were in deep conversation.

“Hey guys!” Monty nervously stood up, he hadn’t seen them for some time and well he wasn’t exactly alone tonight. Bellamy greeted everyone, and heading to the bar to get a round in. Clarke made sure she had her back to the stage, she didn’t want to see Lexa just yet. A small girl with blonde hair walked up to them and Monty held her by the waist, “Guys this is my girlfriend, Harper”

“What you are no longer a virgin?” Exclaimed Raven, pretending to faint. Always the comedian, Anya nudged her girlfriend as they all welcomed Harper to the group. Everyone seemed relaxed and happy, and it didn’t take them long to settle into their old ways of gossiping and trying to compete with each other. With them being so used to where they were, no one noticed the group of fans that had spotted the band members and the actresses. It was so easy for them to forget their success when they were together.

Eventually Jasper came over, “Guys you have got yourself quite a crowd” He looked over to the group of fans that had gathered below their booth. Clarke looked and saw them giving them a wave which sent them screaming. She forgot how easy it was for her to forget how successful they had all become when they were together, and that was before they including the Tikru fans.

“This is new” Lincoln looked at Anya, he was talking about the song Lexa was currently singing. Since they had arrived she had been doing acoustic covers of their songs or old songs she liked, but this one was different. They all stopped talking and began to listen, with Clarke finally turning around to look at the stage;

 

_‘It was a mistake_

_I shouldn’t of left you that day_

_I had a choice to make_

_They wouldn’t let me have a say_

_As you slept_

_I silently wept_

_it was the choice I made’_

Watching Lexa strum the guitar, Clarke felt like she was back in time. Her heart was beating fast, and she knew this song was for her.

 

_‘They wouldn’t let me call_

_Wouldn’t let me say your name_

_They said they would take it all_

_Put you to shame_

_I couldn’t do that_

_So I left you that day_

_Now I know I’ve lost_

_Lost my way’_

 

Lincoln looked at Anya, it was starting to make sense to them. As a band they always did things together, but Titus was always harder on Lexa, pushing her to be this rock star and they had heard him time and time again telling her she needed to do this or he would break his agreement. They just assumed he meant the bands record deal, but it was obvious there was something more.

 

_‘I went to the cabin_

_I saw the painting_

_If only you knew_

_I miss you too_

_If I could turn back time_

_I would fight to make you mine_

_The success is nothing_

_Without you by my side_

_I don’t even want another high_

_The success is nothing_

_Without you by my side’_

Clarke’s heart was racing; she went to the cabin so she must have seen the painting. Clarke wasn’t stupid she knew she would eventually go there, but she didn’t expect it to be so soon. Standing up she made her way to the bathroom, she needed some air. As she walked through the crowd, she could hear Lexa’s lyrics in her head. They were always like a puzzle to her, a puzzle to understanding Lexa.

 

_‘If only I could taste your lips one last time_

_I would hold on forever_

_I don’t want to do this without you by my side_

_The success is nothing_

_Truly nothing_

_Compared to the love of my life’_

 

It was then that Lexa looked up and green met blue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do we think about Bellamy?? :)   
> Also Clarke reaching out to Lexa?? and a little history (love Harry Potter)  
> Ranya finally being open to the media!!! :) 
> 
> Let me know your thoughts!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another update, a bit longer as i have been away but I hope you enjoy it :)

**Tikru Secret Gig – Tikru lead singer, Lexa Woods, performs a secret gig in the bands hometown of Polis where the rest of the band were seen. It is safe to say that the band have settled with Anya showcasing her new love interest, Raven Reyes, one of Hollywood’s rising star. Lexa performed solo, which is clear signs to the band breaking up, especially now with Lincoln engaged to Octavia Blake, another rising star of Hollywood, what is with this band and Hollywood stars? Lexa gave the fans their favourites but what was interesting was a song that was clearly aimed at a lover, could the rock star who has spent all this time breaking girls hearts actually have a heart of her own?**

Bellamy chucked the magazine article on the floor, the band were in the meeting room with Indra, who had called them in as soon as the media got too crazy. They had spent the past hour listening to Titus’ usual rant, and that he expected more of Lexa. Bellamy was already aware of Lincoln’s and Anya’s thoughts and he totally agreed, something wasn’t right.

“Lexa I expect you back here next week, we need to discuss this further! The rest of you can join her after a few days, I am not having this, this break isn’t working. We need you back on the road, the fans need you!” Titus ended the skype call. He was furious they knew it. Lexa walked out of the meeting room, and Anya got up to follow her, “No I will go” Indra got up and gave the rest of the band a reassuring smile.

Walking out of the office, she heading to the balcony. Indra knew Lexa just as well as the rest of the band, afterall she saw them grow into the people they were today, and once she met Titus she knew she would be their manager just so that had someone they could trust. Sitting beside Lexa she looked at the girl and wondered when the once excitable and talented girl began to look so lost.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Indra spoke.

“You don’t have enough pennies for my thoughts Indra, I wouldn’t want to bankrupt you” Smirked Lexa.

“Now now, didn’t you know my son was in a successful band, I am sure I have some pennies to spare” Lexa looked at Indra and smiled, losing her parents was hard and Indra took her in which she was grateful for as she didn’t have to move schools. She was 17 at the time and it hit her hard, Anya too and even though she was 19 she still chose to move in with Indra. Slowly, Lexa let the older women in but Indra knew, a part of Lexa was lost that day, a part she only ever saw whenever a certain blonde was around.

“I wouldn’t know where to start” Lexa sighed, and looked up to the sky. There was so much she wanted to say but she didn’t know where to begin.

“How about we start at the beginning, what is the agreement Titus had you agree too?” Indra was no fool, she knew they way that Titus was and how he was with Lexa. Looking at the older women, Lexa knew she had to come clean;

_5 and ½ years ago_

_Yesterday seemed to be a blur. She had been approached by Titus from Heda Music and now here she was waiting to meet him at his hotel. She was nervous, she hadn’t even told the band yet because she wanted to make sure it was all legit. He had contacted her this morning asking her to meet before he left the city, so here she was waiting in the Hilton watching people pass her by as she waited. Eventually she saw Titus exit the lift and she stood up to greet him. Smiling as he approaches her, he shook her hand and motioned for her to sir._

_“Thank you for coming to meet me, we have a lot to discuss” Taking out a folder, he pushed it in front of the girl, “Here is a record contract that I am hoping you will sign, and we can then get you and the band flown out next week to begin recording…”Lexa zoned out, did he say what she think he said? Flown out next week? But next week they were all going on a camping trip to celebrate Clarke’s birthday. “….when you arrive at the city you will have an apartment set up for you all, and we will schedule gigs across the country, you guys are going to be big I know it” Titus didn’t even notice the girl in front of him wasn’t even listening until he was interrupted._

_“I am sorry sir, but you said next week? See the thing is-“_

_“What could more important than following your dreams?”_

_“Well it is my girlfriends birthday you see” She couldn’t leave Clarke on her own on her birthday, she had been a part of the girls day since the day they met when they were children._

_“Listen  Lexa, where you are going there will be plenty of girls. This is your chance to hit the big time, you and your friends. You are going to be huge! Don’t let one girl stop you, love is a weakness when it comes to chasing your dreams”_

_“Sir, she is just not one girl, she is the girl I am going to marry” Titus rolled his eyes, he had heard this all before and he knew what to do to get what he wanted._

_“Lexa, I hope I only have to say this once but this chance doesn’t come around often. If she means so much to you, you will sign this contract, I wouldn’t want any nasty rumours go around that could hinder a rising actresses’ road to fame” Lexa looked at Titus, this guy had done his homework._

_“What are you saying?”_

_“I am saying you sign this record deal, you and your band fly out next week and become the most successful band the world has ever seen and nothing happens that hinders your ‘girlfriends’ career in acting, I hear she is quite the talent” Looking in the girls eyes he knew he had her, she was going to be his ticket and there was nothing he wouldn’t do to get this band._

Lexa finished telling Indra, and was brought into an embrace. She had kept that conversation to herself all these years, and every time she didn’t want to do anything Titus would bring up new threats to Clarke which the more successful the blonde got the easier it was for him to think of ways to tarnish the girls reputation. Lexa wouldn’t allow that so she did whatever he asked, and that was why she knew she would head back to the city next week. There was nothing she wouldn’t do for Clarke.

“We will sort this, don’t worry” Indra was livid, she never liked Titus now she hated him. Who would do that kind of thing? No, she was determined she would get something sorted, a way out for Lexa.

* * *

 

Her phone had been non-stop. Why she went to the pub last night she would never know, because It wasn’t worth the media storm she had found herself in. It had got to the point where she had turned her phone off, with her fans plus Tikru’s it was crazy with suggestions of her and Lexa being together. If only they knew the truth she thought. Thankfully her manager had got straight on it and told Clarke to take the day off, which she happily obliged by watching Netflix and binging on Cookie Dough ice-cream. Normally she would’ve argued and gone to work regardless, but for some reason she didn’t want to face the questions that would be asked. She wouldn’t be able to hold back her emotions towards the lead singer that clearly everyone wanted a piece of. Well she wasn’t getting involved, the fans can think what they want.

After the third episode of super girl had begun (Clarke was secretly loving the programme) she heard a knock on the door. Groaning she got up, assuming Raven or Octavia had forgotten their key once again. Getting up she headed to the door, not bothering to check herself in the mirror. Opening the door, she soon regretted it.

“Lexa” The tall brunette just looked at Clarke, she hadn’t expected her to be home hoping Raven or Octavia would answer. She noticed the blonde was in her sweats, and a small smile emerged when she realised the t-shirt she was wearing was one of hers. How she missed seeing the blonde in her clothes. Realising they had both been staring at each other not saying a word she attempted to break the awkward tension.

“Sorry, I wasn’t expecting you home. I came to see Raven and Octavia” She mumbled, trying to avoid the blue eyes that were now fixed on her. Clarke was transfixed. She hadn’t been this close to Lexa for so long, she could smell her perfume, the same one she used to always wear she noticed, and she looked good in her jeans and baseball top. Lexa always looked good, no matter what she wore and suddenly Clarke felt self-conscious.

“Yeah they aren’t in, they will be home soon. They had a scene shoot for the show” Clarke tried to sound as friendly as possible, she was struggling. Lexa just smiled and began to leave, “Seriously you’re just going to leave without saying anything?” Well the anger was already bubbling at the surface, so Clarke wasn’t surprised when she snapped.

“What do you want me to say _Clarke?”_ 5 years. That’s how long she hadn’t heard Lexa say her name, and yet it sounded just the same, the same click on the K, it had the same effect on her, and the butterflies that had been locked up tight all this time felt like they were about to be released. No, she couldn’t have that.

“Nothing, nothing. I’ll let them know you stopped by” and Clarke began to close the door knowing she just wouldn’t be able to handle a conversation with Lexa. In all honesty Lexa had so much planned to say to Clarke, but seeing her unexpectedly sent her head spinning and she couldn’t find the words. The blonde still made her feel things, she had almost forgotten. Staring at the closed door, she sighed if only she could find the words but these days she couldn’t talk about anything. That was why it just all came out when she wrote music. It never used to be like that, Clarke was her go to person, more so when her parents died. Now she didn’t have that.

Stepping outside, she jumped on her motorcycle, avoiding the small group of photographers that had camped outside the girl’s apartment. Shit she had completely forgot to talk to Clarke about the media articles. She was so stupid at times. Eventually reaching her destination, she jumped off the bike and knocked on the door. If she couldn’t talk to anyone, she would try and forget and well with no alcohol or drugs to take there was only one other thing that could distract her. The door opened and there she was, the one girl that had given her a much needed physical distraction whenever she needed it, with no strings attached.

“Hello Costia”

* * *

 Clarke was still bubbling with anger when Raven and Octavia finally got home, and both girls instantly knew something was wrong. Over the years they had developed a talent in reading the hot headed blonde. Since the break-up she had a shorter fuse than usual, and right now they could tell she was ready to flip out. Well it had been coming, she had been calm since she returned from her disappearing act. They still didn’t know exactly where she went too.

“Clarke you want to tell us what’s wrong?” Raven gave Octavia a warning look, here we go, she had welcomed the rant that was sure to come.

“Lexa. She came round to see you both” Both girls looked at each other, they had completely forgot they had asked the brunette to come round to talk about the engagement party Octavia and Lincoln were planning. Shit.

“Shit, Clarke that was my fault. I invited her over to discuss the engagement party” Clarke looked at Octavia confused, “Engagement party, but I thought we had one?” Although they celebrated with their friends, the couple wanted something more formal to celebrate their engagement, which would include their family.

“Yeah, we are going to have something more formal, sit down meal, drinks etc. You know how Lincoln’s mum is, it’s really important that we include the family. Plus it means another night celebrating” Octavia grinned, anything for another party.

“Right, sorry I just didn’t know” Clarke felt bad, she had been wrapped up in avoiding her feelings she didn’t know her best friend was planning a proper engagement party.

“Sorry princess, I know you’ve got a lot going on and well it only really got finalised today” the smaller brunette maybe telling a white lie, but she didn’t want to upset the blonde more. Clarke just smiled, “Okay well I am heading to bed, how about we have a girl’s day tomorrow and you can tell me all?” They weren’t stupid, Clarke was avoiding the topic of ‘Lexa’ but after years of experience they let her be. Once the blonde entered her room, Raven snapped into action and grabbed her phone, with Octavia knowing full well what was going on in the other girls mind;

***Group Chat***

RavingRae: Okay guys, this is important. Who else is sick of the HUGGGE Elephant in our group?

BarmanJas: We have an elephant in our group? Who Knew!

BigBlake: It’s about time we began discussing this…they aren’t in this group are they?

RavingRae: What do you take me for?

BabyBlake: Well it wouldn’t be the first time…

Anya: Okay, so how to try and sort this?

Linc: Look I don’t know about you but this elephant needs taking care of

BarmanJas: Maybe we should take it to the zoo

BigBlake: You might be on to something there Jasper!

RavingRae: The Zoo? Come on!!

Anya: Wait, your right!!!!

BabyBlake: Our annual group trip to the zoo!!!!

BarmanJas: You see I have a brain!

Anya: Debatable

BarmanJas: True

Monty: Guys, how would we even get them to agree…

BabyBlake: Don’t worry we will get Clarke there, Anya?

Anya: I will get Lexa there no problems!

RavingRae: Operation Clexa is a go!

BabyBlake: I knew you had a code name!!

Anya: This ladies and gentlemen is my girlfriend

RavingRae: And don’t you forget it ;)

***Group Chat Ended***

 

“Do you really think it would work?” Anya looked up to Bellamy and Lincoln, they had all spent their day in the studio after their meeting this morning, and it didn’t surprise them when Lexa never showed.

“I don’t know maybe” Lincoln was hopeful; they all knew it was there when things changed for the two girls;            

_7 years ago_

_Everyone was excited. It was there annual trip to the zoo. The girls had been doing this trip since they were children and has time went on and the group for bigger, everyone joined in the occasion. Today was no different. Everyone was going to be there. Raven was taking Anya, who had just finally admitted they liked each other, it was about time everyone thought. Lincoln was taking Octavia, whilst Bellamy was bringing Echo, who he had been dating on and off for some time. That left Jasper and Monty who had recently joined the group, and for some reason it felt like they had been part of it for years. Then there was Clarke and Lexa. Everyone in the group knew the feelings that these girls harboured, but neither one was daring enough to act on it, so they had maintained their friendship like they always had done. No-one really knew why the Zoo was their thing, it may have had something to do with Jake, Clarke’s dad who always took the girls to the zoo or the theme park telling them these were the places that even adults to could act like children for a day. And boy did they take his word for it._

_Today was special, this would probably be one of the last times they could all do this. Raven had just been casted on a major film and Octavia was flying out in a week to begin filming a TV series. So the group needed this, before things started to change. Clarke needed this most importantly. She was happy for her friends, but also slightly jealous. She hadn’t had her break yet, only getting offers for TV commercials. Thankfully she had been able to sell her art, which surprised her mum who was still pushing her to go into medicine. At least her other best friend was still going to be around. Lexa, Lincoln, Anya and Bellamy had just begun performing locally as a band and so far, it was going well enough they could live off the earnings, it also helped that they were living at home rent-free. No, Clarke was happy and even happier whenever her favourite brunette was around, and that hadn’t gone unnoticed to her or her dad it seemed._

_“So when are you going to ask her out?” Jake had been teasing his daughter all morning. He had noticed the way she changed whenever Lexa was around, and hell he knew the two girls were destined to be together._

_“Dad, don’t” She knew where this was going, and she needed to finish getting ready before Raven picked her up._

_“Well just so you know, her parents approved, we had a bet going you know of when you would both realise” This caught Clarke’s attention, and she looked at her dad and smiled. She missed them, just as much as their daughters did. Jake did too, over the years the two families had grown close due to the two girls who were clearly in love with each other._

_“One day Clarke, you both realise what everyone already realises. You two are meant to be” He winked and left the room, leaving his daughter to her thoughts. It wasn’t as if she didn’t know how she felt, she had felt it for as long as she could remember. But she just wasn’t too sure, she was 18 and only had one relationship, if you could call it that with a guy at school which ended as soon as he found out she was into girls too. She was still the only one out of her friends that hadn’t lost their virginity, there was just something that stopped her going too far with anyone even when she had been drunk at parties. It crushed her when she found out Lexa had slept with some girl, many girls now, but who could blame her she was older than Clarke and extremely hot, only having to step into pubs and clubs to get attention. No, Clarke wasn’t going to have a chance with Lexa no matter what anyone said. They were friends, and that was all that mattered._

_Most of the day, the group of friends explored all their favourite parts of the zoo, everyone getting the chance to see their favourite animals and run around acting like animals (Monty and Jasper especially). Walking up to the penguin section, Clarke got excited. Penguins and Lions had always been her favourite, and they were yet to reach the Lion section, always leaving it until last. The group all knew how much the blonde loved penguins the amount of times she had made them watch Happy Feet._

_Lexa turned around as they walked in and saw her favourite blonde with the brightest smile. It gave her butterflies, like it always had since they were children. She heard what everyone said about the two of them, and well to her no other girl would be as good as Clarke. The rest were just distractions. Grabbing Clarkes hand, she pulled her to the main area away from the group._

_“Come on Clarke, let’s go see your favourite” Last time they were here, Clarke picked her favourite penguin. It was one of the smallest, and he had black smudges across his face that made him look like he was wearing war paint. Lexa thought it was hilarious when Clarke explained why he was her favourite. It was only when she said it reminded her of Lexa whenever she wore her eyeliner really thick when she was on stage, that it made the brunette’s heart beat fast. As they stepped closer, Clarke spotted him out straight away. That smile, Lexa thought. Each day she saw it just wasn’t enough, and she wanted to be able to cause it._

_“You know they say penguins only mate with one other penguin”_

_“Yeah I know, you say this every year Lex” Clarke rolled her eyes, Lexa and her penguin facts. Smirking, Lexa spun Clarke so they were facing, “Don’t you think it’s amazing though, they find that one penguin, and they just know that is the penguin they will love forever” Clarke felt the tension building around them, they were leaning towards each other as though a magnet was pulling them._

_“It is, I guess when you just know, you just know” Clarke looked into Lexa’s eyes and then quickly at her lips. The lips she had imagined kissing the moment she realised she liked girls._

_“Yeah, when you know, you know” They could both feel it, and Lexa put her hand on Clarke’s waist and pulled her closer so that she could put her hand behind the blondes neck. Knowing what was about to happen, Clarke smiled and leaned in. The next thing she knew she felt the plump lips that she had been staring at for years, touching hers, and the taste was just too sweet it had to be a dream. They melted into one another, moving tentatively, using this one kiss to express how they both truly felt for one another. Eventually they pulled away, and Lexa rested her forehead on Clarkes, “You are my penguin Clarke, always have been” she whispered. It was then Clarke knew all this time, she had been waiting for Lexa, she was her penguin too._

“The zoo?”

“Come on Clarke it will be fun” Raven had just told Clarke the plans for the day and she wasn’t surprised the blonde was being reluctant. That place held a lot of memories for her, and for the rest of the group. “Look everyone Is going, come on don’t be the one that doesn’t show, and we have to photo shop you in on the photos” Raven pleaded.

“Everyone is going?” The brunette rolled her eyes, she knew where this was leading, “Yes everyone, and yes that includes Lexa” sighing, she grabbed her coat giving a grinning Raven a small smile. She was doing this for her and the rest of the group, but she wasn’t overly happy spending time with Lexa. Her being back, it was confusing and she just wasn’t ready to let go of the hurt, as much as she missed the brunette, which was only worse seeing how happy her two best friends were now they had their partners back in their lives. No, she couldn’t just easily forget, and a part of her just wanted to move on, but other than one night stands and a casual fling, that had been impossible.

It only took them 20 minutes to arrive to the zoo, and Clarke noticed that the rest of the group had already arrived as they parked up. Looking at Lexa, she noticed she was wearing the her usual casual attire including a jumper that had once been hers. Great.

Stepping out of the car she smiled at everyone, giving Octavia a warm embrace, “I wasn’t sure you would come” Octavia raised her eyebrow, questioning Clarke to see if she was okay, she knew how persuasive Raven could be.

“Wouldn’t miss the annual group trip to the Zoo now would I” Clarke replied, giving Octavia a look to say she was okay, which seemed to satisfy the smaller girl. Nodding they all headed to the entrance, but it wasn’t lost on the group that their usual excitable behaviour was lost, everyone could feel that the group wasn’t completely whole. Raven looked at Anya, and they both knew what each other was thinking. They needed to fix this soon before it was too late, but neither knew how and hoped being at the zoo would help.

After a few hours of taking in the atmosphere of the zoo and seeing all their favourite animals, Lexa noticed the direction they were now heading. She couldn’t help but look at the blonde, who had kept her distance all day barely speaking to her. Honestly, she regretted coming the moment Clarke stepped out the car, as she knew it just wouldn’t feel the same being here, after all this was the place they had been going to as children, and to be here and not listen to Clarke’s endless facts about the animals they saw was weird. Although there had been times when she hovered close enough to hear Clarke sharing her knowledge with other members of the group. But now they were heading to the penguin sanctuary and it just was too much.

Slowing down, she began to walk behind the group. It hadn’t gone unnoticed that they were all treading on egg shells around her and Clarke, and a part of her felt as though it probably would’ve been better that she wasn’t there. That thought was the reason she decided to get out her phone and make a call, hoping the group wouldn’t notice;

 

**Outgoing Call**

“Lexa, I hope this a call to say you are on the plane” Titus answered, clearly annoyed.

“No, but it is a call to say that I will be on the plane later this evening” She could hear the man on the other end of the phone let out a frustrated sigh, and could even picture his facial expression.

“Well I suppose that will have to do, I will get things organised and expect to see you here first thing in the morning. We have a lot to discuss”

“Don’t worry I’ll be there” Lexa hung up the phone, letting out a breath she didn’t realise she was holding. As much as being home was supposed to be helping her, right now she didn’t feel like she belonged, and she knew the rest of the band would be annoyed, but she was doing it for them. That’s what she told herself, they had a record contract after all they had to commit too.

Lost in her thoughts she didn’t notice that she hadn’t been alone.

“You know If you leave, it won’t make things any easier” Turning she saw Raven staring at her, arms folded tapping her foot, clearly pissed off.

“I don’t need to explain my actions, I’ve made my decision”

“No you don’t need to explain your actions, not to me anyway, but there is one person that is still waiting for an explanation” Both girls stared at each other, they were both strongminded and they knew if they carried on talking this could lead into an argument neither wanted. Deciding it was best to avoid a heated shouting match, Lexa walked away, leaving a frustrated Raven standing there wondering what the hell she could do.

 

* * *

 

On a whole the day wasn’t that bad, Clarke had actually enjoyed being with her friends and it didn’t go unnoticed how much more at ease she felt when Raven had informed them that Lexa had to leave. They were now back at Arkadia, enjoying a few drinks, which Jasper had kindly said were on the house. Anya was looking at her phone when she let out a string of extremities;

“An what’s wrong?” Bellamy looked at her concerned

“Just look” She shoved her phone in front of him, and his eyes went wide. Great this wasn’t good.

“What is it?” Octavia was interested and grabbed the phone. On the screen was a photo of Lexa, entering a bar back in the city arm draped around Costia Greene, the biggest party girl in the city, with the papers clearly indicating that Lexa was back to her old ways. This was not good and both Anya and Bellamy looked at each other, glancing quickly at the blonde who was stood at the bar talking to Lincoln. They knew what they had to do, and Octavia, seeing where they were looking shook her head;

“No, she can’t know. Look you guys, you don’t realise what it did to Clarke when she left 5 years ago. She can’t know about Lexa, I’m sorry she just can’t okay”

“O, the only person who can help Lexa is her, she needs to know” Bellamy was looking at her sister, pleading.

“I’m sorry Bell, but no I will not put Clarke through that” Standing up, she headed over to the blonde and her fiancé and quickly asked if Clarke wanted to leave as she wasn’t feeling good. There was no way she was letting her brother tell her best friend about Lexa. She knew Clarke was only just hanging in there, but it wasn’t her place to say anything. That was all Clarke.

Seeing them leave, Anya looked back at the older Blake, “Now what?”

“Now it’s time we pulled out the big guns”

“You know Titus won’t like that”

“Well Titus will have to deal with it” Bellamy grabbed his phone and dialled Indra.

**Outgoing Call**

“Indra Is Bell…Yes I have seen the press…yes we know…she just left….we didn’t know. Listen I think it’s time we went with plan B…well know plan a isn’t working, it’s taking too long…okay, tomorrow morning. Yes I will tell them, see you tomorrow”

Ending the call, he looked at Anya, “It’s all set, 11am we make the announcement”

“I hope we are doing the right thing” Anya sighed, she knew it would come to this but she still hoped getting Clarke to help would’ve been the better course of action.

“We can’t lose her, so yes this is the right thing” Bellamy got up and headed out, there was one person he needed to see.

 

* * *

 

Her phone had been buzzing non-stop and she groaned finally opening her eyes. Where was she? She certainly wasn’t in her apartment in Polis. Then she remembered she had got a plane back to the city, having already drunk a bottle of whiskey in the car to the airport. The rest of the night was just a blue, with images of a bar and music, dancing a lot of dancing she remembers and a blonde, but not the blonde no. Hearing her phone ring again she tried to find where it was, noticed she had thrown her clothes across the floor, whose floor she still wasn’t certain. Getting on her feet she realised she was probably still drunk, stumbling across to her jeans where she found her phone, which had a smashed screen. Great another iPhone she would have to replace. Not being able to check the caller ID she accepted the call;

**Incoming Call**

“Lexa what is the meaning of this?” An angry Titus was on the other end of the line, he was clearly pissed. She didn’t have a clue what it could be about.

“Meaning of what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me, did you do this to make me look foolish?” She rolled her eyes, he clearly didn’t get that she had no clue.

“Look I don’t have a clue what you are talking about, I’ve literally just woke up-“

“And probably still wasted from last night, you are a disgrace Lexa and if it weren’t for the fact that I have my hands tied, I would be dropping you without hesitation, you and your foolish bandmates, but no they seemed to have found a loophole but mark my words Lexa this isn’t the end of this conversation” He hung up the phone and Lexa threw it across the room. Well the phone was smashed anyways.

She was angry, and she didn’t even know why. What was he even talking about? She ran her hands through her hair trying to remember her night to see if she had done anything that give her a clue, but she came up with nothing. The moment she left the zoo she literally grabbed a bottle and drank her emotions away, she was doing what Titus wanted so why was he so pissed at her. Noticing the clock on the wall she realised it was 1pm. Maybe he was just pissed she was late to meet him. Yeah that was probably it, so she grabbed her clothes and began getting dressed.

Once she looked presentable, well the best she could manage, she headed out of the room finding she was in a very classy loft apartment. Well this was different, she thought. Walking along the corridor, she could hear music coming from what she assumed was the kitchen area, her music to be exact. At least it wouldn’t take her long to work out where she was or who she had been with last night. Stepping into the kitchen she saw the back of a familiar blonde.

Costia. What bugged her though was she still couldn’t remember meeting the girl, normally it would be a quick fumble and she would leave. Now she found herself in Costia’s apartment, which she didn’t actually recall being in before, and the girl was making breakfast. Shit, she hoped it wasn’t for her.

“Morning” Costia turned and saw Lexa staring, walking up she went over to the brunette to give her a kiss, which she noticed was completely one sided. “I knew last night was all drunken talk” This caused the brunette to raise her eyebrows, which Costia knew was Lexa asking to elaborate, “Well you are explaining to me how you wanted to move on, settle down and forget about your past and have a normal life” Well that was new. Lexa didn’t normally express her emotions, and it wasn’t far from the truth, just the blonde In front of her was the wrong blonde. Noticing, she was unlikely to get a response from Lexa, Costia headed back to finishing breakfast.

“Look Lexa I’m no fool, things with you have been great and all but if I’m honest you’re not the only one who wants that” Costia looked at Lexa, and for the first time she actually realised that the normally strong and quick witted girl she had grown to be fond of, just looked lost, truly lost. Taking Lexa’s hand, she gave it a squeeze, “You need to get your girl Lexa, before it’s too late” Lexa just looked at her, she was right. But did she even have a chance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so will Lexa finally talk to Clarke?  
> The band have taken things into their own hands, what did we think to Lexa's reasons for leaving?


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loving your comments, hope you enjoy this chapter - Lexa will redeem herself trust me, it's a slow burn :)

Clarke slept in until late afternoon, she had a night shoot later that day and needed to get as much sleep as possible. Since Tikru came back to town everything had been crazy, with her work taking a side burner but she needed to a focus. It was clear for her that things weren’t going to be going back to normal with Lexa any time soon, and a part of her was considering just having a break from everything, even her friends. She was no fool, it had been their idea to bring them to the zoo in the hope that something would happen with her and Lexa, but she still harboured a lot of anger to the girl and even her friends. No, she needed to throw herself into her work and even look at the film scripts that had been handed to her weeks ago.

After taking a shower and putting on a tank top and shorts she heading to the kitchen to grab some breakfast. However she didn’t expect to walk in on a ‘mothers meeting’ with all her friends in deep conversation in the living room.

“What’s going on?” She looked over at Raven, who quickly ran over to her in the kitchen.

“Have you checked the news? Twitter?”

“No Rae I’ve literally just woken up, why?” Sighing Raven grabbed her phone and brought up the news she was reffering too;

**Tikru dealing with personal issues; it was announced this morning that due to personal issues that the band Tikru would be taking an even longer break than original planned. A month ago the band announced they were taking some time off, with the view to be back with a new album but this morning things changed, “We have a few personal issues that we need to deal with, it’s been a long time on the road and this time home has made us realise how much we have suffered personally. We and our manager have agreed that a break with no time frame is what is best, which has always been a clause in our agreement with Heda Music. Our health is important and without it we can’t be 100% for the fans” Anya announced this morning. But there was no sign of Lexa? Is this just a cover up for their inevitable split?**

Clarke’s eyes went wide and she looked at Raven.

“Is this true?”

“Yes it is” Anya had walked over and looked at Clarke, “We had to do it”

“Why?” Clarke was confused, she knew the band needed a break but one without any commitments to return, that surprised her.

“Well we as a band we need some time, I wasn’t lying when I said there is some personal issues, some of us just have them more than others”

“So is Lexa doing her own thing?” The blonde couldn’t help but ask, I mean it made sense, the solo gigs she had been doing and how she wasn’t exactly present.

“No, Lexa is doing Lexa, she uses music to express herself. Clarke you know that, it might have been years since you guys spoke, but she is the still the same-“

“No she isn’t the same, the Lexa I knew wouldn’t stand by and not explain, she wouldn’t hurt me like this. It doesn’t matter anymore, I’m moving on” Raven and Anya looked at each other, “What do you mean?” Raven knew her best friend, and well this was the first time she had heard her speak about moving on. Normally she just didn’t speak. Clarke, moved to grab her smoothie but the look Raven was giving she knew she wasn’t going to get away with being silent.

“Look, I can’t do this anymore” Clarke sighed, “I can’t keep waiting in hope that I will get what I had back, that I would get what you guys have got back” She looked at both Raven and Anya, “I need to let go and move on, so I am going on a date later today”

“A date? With who?” Raven was really shocked, in the past 5 years Clarke hadn’t dated anyone still holding on and focussing on her job, but now hearing the blonde explain she had arranged a date, she knew that it may be too late for her and Lexa to get back to the way they were.

“Someone I know, she has been asking me out for some time now and well I figured may as well give it a shot, Rae I just can’t be the one holding on anymore, she’s here but has she once tried to speak to me?” Shit, Raven looked at Anya who just rolled her eyes. Clarke was right, Lexa hadn’t tried and well now it was clear she was on track to truly losing her.

With the girls not saying anything, Clarke headed back to her room. What the girls didn’t know was she hadn’t 100% agreed to the date, but before she could think she was explaining how she needed to move on. It was true, she didn’t feel like she would ever get back the love she had with Lexa, the girl hadn’t even tried to reach out since she returned and well to Clarke actions spoke a lot louder than words. It hurt seeing Raven and Octavia get that back so easily, as though time never happened, and that made it even harder for the blonde. How could she move on when she was surrounded by memories?

Grabbing her phone, she called her manager;

***Outgoing Call***

“Hello Luna?”

“Clarke, is everything okay?”

“Yes, I just wanted to let you know ill take that part in the movie”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, yes I need to do this, it will be a challenge and it won’t clash with my commitment to the show”

“Yes I know Clarke, but it will mean moving for 6 months, are you sure you want to do that?”

“Yes I am sure, when do I leave?”

“Let me contact the producer and get everything sorted, but I belive you could be heading to Australia in the next few days so begin packing”

“That’s great, thank you!”

“Clarke, I am proud of you, this will be a huge break into movies for you, working with Jennifer Lawrence too”

“I know, I am excited”

“Just promise me you will talk to me if it gets too much, I know the story is very similar to you”

“Don’t worry I will be fine, let me know the details as soon as you know”

“Will do, good-bye Clarke”

Clarke ended the call. This was a huge decision. Two months ago she had been offered a role in a movie starring Jennifer Lawrence, which would be filmed in Australia. She had been hesitant as she wasn’t sure she was ready, plus reading the script, there was a few familiarities to her life; the film was about two friends falling and the obstacles they face. It was a huge film, with a huge budget and she knew it would throw her in the spot light. That was why she was hesitant but she needed this, she had to stop holding on to hope of something that was clearly staying in the past. Knowing her friends would take it as a way of running, she decided she wouldn’t let them know just yet, well not until there was little time for them to persuade her not to go anyways.

Clarke grabbed some clothes and headed to the shower, not before sending her date a quick message to say she would be there. Well it was now or never, plus it wasn’t as though she wouldn’t be seeing them a lot more now seen as they were also a cast member of the show.

 

* * *

 

 

Shouting.

Obscenities.

That was all that was coming out of Titus’ mouth, and after 20 minutes of it Lexa had switched off. She didn’t blame him being so pissed off, hell she was pissed off, her band mates had done something they said they would never do; make a decision without all being in agreement. However, a part of her was quite happy as they had found a loop hole. Indra was a great manager, and by announcing that they needed to have an extended break due to personal issues and health, well there was nothing Titus could do about that, the one clause that Indra had insisted on from the beginning which he believed would never come back to bite him.

 After leaving Costia’s she went straight to meet Titus, assuming he was in his usual angered state due to her lateness. She wasn’t expected the onslaught she received not only from him, but also the bands team. Everyone was pissed. It wasn’t until she watched the news that she realised why. At first she was angry, and threw her phone yet again, which made Titus realised she had been just as clueless. Then she began to see that this was her shot, to go home with no ties and really set things right. Well, that was before Titus got the bright idea she should go solo, which she refused, leading to her current situation of threats and insults. It wasn’t until he began insulting Clarke, that she snapped;

“Leave her out of this”

“O so you do speak, so you already got back into her pants and defending her as usual I take it?” Lexa rolled her eyes, clearly he hadn’t seen the photos from the previous night, “No, but she is better than all of this. She got her career the right way, no threats or broken promises, so leave her out of it”

“What you mean to say is Clarke, a talented actress is no longer interested in Lexa the global sensation of Tikru?” Lexa scowled, he already knew why, wasn’t she surprised.

“Clearly years of loving her has done you no favours, drugs, alcohol, attempted suicide-“

“Just shut up, you know nothing!” Titus had hit a nerve. Getting up she stormed out, “You have not heard the last of this Lexa!” Titus shouted after her, she wasn’t stupid and knew he would do whatever it took to bring down the bands reputation and she needed to be one step ahead.

 

* * *

Today had been crazy. As soon as they announced they were on break for the feasible future, all the bands social media had been non-stop. Now it was 8pm and they were all sat in bar, nursing their first pint. They knew there would be mixed reactions, but they needed to do this, they loved Lexa too much to see her get lost even further.

“So your engagement party, is there still the option of bringing a plus one?” Bellamy asked, earlier that day they had all received an invite to his sisters and Lincolns ‘official’ engagement party which was clearly to keep their parents happy who weren’t too impressed about the impromptu celebration that had already occurred.

“Of course, Bell but the question is who would put up with you?” Joked Octavia, “Yeah Bell” Nudged Anya.

“Well if you must know, there is someone and I would need two places”

“I knew it, you’ve been having a threesome” Raven joked, causing the rest of the group to laugh, even Bellamy, “Two?” Octavia asked once she had stop laughing, she had noticed her brother being secretive recently but didn’t think much of it but now she was curious.

“Yes, two. One will be for Echo-“

“ECHO?” Lincoln was surprised, he was still in contact with Echo but didn’t realise that Bellamy was as well. Bellamy nodded, he wsant sure how much Lincoln knew and was certain he needed to have a conversation with his future brother in law.

“Sure Bell, but why two?” Octavia was still curious.

“I can't tell you that right now, I need to sort a few things out but when I can I will” Seeing Octavia’s reaction he added, “I promise”. Suddenly the pub door flew open, which distracted the groups conversation. The noise outside from the press who had recently set camp at the pub, made it known as to who had entered. Anya looked at Lincoln quickly, they weren’t entirely sure how this was going to go down.

Lexa approached her band mates with urgency, she had been angry sure but now she was relieved and there was only one thing she needed to do. Once she had got to Anya she wrapped her into a hug, “Thank you” she whispered which allowed Anya to let out the breath she hadn’t realised she was holding in. Noticing that Lexa wasn’t as angry as they anticipated, both Lincoln and Bellamy joined in the hug. Raven and Octavia watched the reaction, both of them knew this could have gone differently and for the first time they realised that the band had done the right thing in coming home and taking the break. No matter what, they were still family.

Breaking away, Lexa looked at them all. She loved them and all these years of losing herself in the music and the band, she forgot that were her friends first and foremost and what they did today showed that.

“I saw Titus” she spoke, all of them looked at her alarmed, “he wants me to go solo, told him to shove it. He wasn’t happy, then I came here and tomorrow I will speak to the press”

“Lexa you don’t need to do that-“

“No I do, I am sick of the rumours, sick of Titus using things against me, I am coming clean with everything, and I mean everything, I have already spoken with Indra” Looking at Anya, she knew she had got her point across. They needed this, she needed this.

“Guys, we have enough to walk away from Heda Music and enough fans to do our own thing” Lexa wasn’t a fool, she knew what would happen after tomorrow, and she and Indra had spent the afternoon calculating everything.

“You know I have wanted us to be our own thing” it was true, Lexa would always say it.

“Okay let’s really do this, but let’s wait until after the wedding?” They all looked at Octavia and Lincoln, they were family after all and that had to come first. It was also give time for the shit storm that would surely blow up after Lexa spoke to the media. They all nodded in agreement, and Bellamy ordered another round with Lexa even having a shandy. She felt happy, for the first time in a long time. Tomorrow was going to be hard but she knew it had to be done.

 

* * *

 

 

The night had been great for Clarke. Nice food, a bottle of wine and good conversation. She didn’t want it to end, that was why she asked Niylah if she wanted to come back for a drink at hers. They never had the drink, heading straight to the bedroom and after years of flirting, and Niylah trying so hard to break down Clarke’s walls, the blonde finally let her in. Both girls lost themselves in each other for most of the night, forgetting all their problems and what tomorrow would bring. This was what Clarke needed, and she knew it wouldn’t be awkward, Niylah just got her.

Clarke woke up early and stepped out of the room smiling at the sleeping girl in her bed. At least she wasn’t a runner she thought. Stepping into the kitchen she made up her smoothie, noticing the note Raven had left;

 

_Staying with Anya, if you read this before 1pm call me._

_Something big is happening._

_Rae xx_

 

Looking at the time, she saw that it was 7:30am, would it be too early to call? It was Raven afterall. Deciding she had better do it now before she forgot she quickly got her phone from her room;

 

***Outgoing Call***

“When I said call I didn’t mean be my alarm” a sleepy Raven answered.

“Well I would’ve only forgot”

“True, true”

“So what is so urgent?”

“Well there is an announcement today, that you need to be there for”

“What announcement? I don’t remember then agreeing to make you the queen and that’s the only announcement you would want me to attend” Raven laughed.

“No, although you still have to attend that, no it’s lexa” Clarke groaned, great of course it would be about Lexa

“Look I know you two aren’t on the best of terms-“

“You don’t say”

“Just please be there, you need to be there”

“Why Rae? She hasn’t spoken to me, why should I be there?”

“Because then you will understand, you will know why”

“Maybe I don’t want to know why” Clarke whispered and hung up the phone. She knew her friend meant well, but after last night with Niylah and knowing she would be moving to Australia in two days’ time, she just didn’t need this. Mind made up Clarke grabbed her smoothie and heading back to her room, where she intended to spend the next few hours in. There was a beautiful girl in her bed after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think Bellamy is keeping from the group?  
> Lexa's plan to be completely honest, do you think Clarke will listen? or should listen?


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There won't be an update until next week now as I am away with work but I hope you enjoy!

Nervous. That was how she felt. Performing in front of thousands was nothing compared to this. This was personal, she had spent years keeping her private life well private. But in 5 minutes she would open up, speak to the fans, the media, the world and most importantly her. She wasn’t sure if she would be there, but Raven had told Anya that she had told Clarke to show up. Yeah she was nervous.

“It will be okay” Indra had been sat with her for the last half an hour, going through all the details that would be discussed. The interview was pre-recorded, which she was thankful for, but still she wanted to make sure everything was right. Indra had been a god send, so had her band mates who had shown nothing but support for her right now. It was a huge thing for her to open up, she had kept it all together for the sake of the band, even hiding how she was feeling or what she was doing. They only figured things out when things got too much, and she just ignored them and pushed them away. Just like she did with Clarke.

Clarke. Just thinking about Clarke made her realise just how important this was. Coming back had been hard, seeing the blonde even harder. But she still loved her and hated herself for always agreeing with Titus. That was why she couldn’t bring herself to talk to Clarke, because she couldn’t excuse her actions or explain them in a way that the blonde would understand. She knew Clarke would say that she would’ve stood by and ignored whatever happened, but Lexa never wanted that for Clarke. She just wanted her to be successful and happy.

“Are you ready?” The interview entered the room. She looked cute, short brown hair and was wearing a blouse and skirt. Lexa recognised her from previous interviews and remembered she was easy to talk to.

“As I’ll ever be” laughed Lexa as she got up and stepped towards the coach where the interview would take place. Glancing at her reflection in the mirror behind her she smiled. Anya had picked the perfect outfit. It was an old one, skinny ripped jeans with a teenage mutant ninja turtles’ baseball top; it was Clarkes that she used to wear when they first got together. With her ripped converse and hair in her usual braids that she hadn’t worn in such a long time, she looked perfect. She looked like Lexa, not the rock star or the commander of the stage that everyone saw her as, she was Lexa.

“Okay, so we will start soon. I’ll ask some questions and anything you are unsure of or do not feel comfortable in answering then let me know” the interviewer explained, whose name was Charlotte Lexa remembered. Lexa nodded, and got herself comfortable. Here goes nothing she thought.

“Lexa, it is great to see you, how have you been?” and so the interview began. 

“Honestly, better. It has been a long time for us, and for me doing show after show, so to have a break this past month has been awesome. I think when you finally stop, you realise how tired you actually are”

“Tell me about it, so this break, everyone wants to know why now?”

“Why now? Well that’s easy for me, you see when you are on the road you just go with it, you forget about everything else that is happening, the sacrifices you make you convince yourself it is for you and your bandmates. But eventually that takes its toll, and you start drinking away your emotions, your problems. Drink doesn’t do enough, so you turn to harder substances to take the edge off; drugs. Then the next thing you know your acting like a shadow of yourself, pushing everyone away, acting like you don’t care which leads to pissing the wrong people off and getting beaten for it. You then think that maybe the world would be a better place without you in it” She might as well get straight to her point, Lexa thought. 

“Surely a world without Lexa Woods would be boring?”

“Maybe, but it would be easier. Easier for my friends, my band mates that’s for sure”

“So are you telling me that this is how you feel?”

“Was how I feel”

“What changed?”

“I tried to jump, but thankfully my band mates pulled me back. I am eternally grateful for that. That was why we decided to go home when we did” Lexa knew the reaction from her fans would be shocked to hear this, and that was why it needed to be done. They needed to know that she wasn't as strong as she portrayed to be. 

“I am glad to hear your band mates were there, do you know why you felt like that?”

“Like I said I felt like it would much easier for those I love with me not around”

Lexa felt like a weight had been lifted once she said that out loud, and she could tell Charlotte was beginning to feel uncomfortable with how things were progressing, but was managing to keep a cool head.

“So you and the band went home, and we have seen a number of things from that, congratulations to Lincoln by the way”

“Thank you, yes going home was the saviour. We as a band had spend so long away, away from those we love and I am so happy for Lincoln and Octavia. For me there has always been pressure to do what is right for the band, but never truly feeling complete so going home I finally saw what completes me.”

“And what was that?”

“Well the question you should be asking is who is that? But before I tell you, I need to explain something. You see 5 years ago I was offered a record contract. I was excited and naïve into thinking that it would give me everything I wanted. I nearly turned it down by the way” Lexa smirked knowing full well how Titus would be reacting right about now, “You did why?”

“There was a girl, not just any girl. The most amazing girl I have ever been fortunate to know. She was slowly making a name for herself in the acting world, and I was so proud. But the guy who signed us wanted us to leave straight away, which I didn’t want to do knowing it would mean missing my girlfriend’s birthday. So he threatened her future, everything she had worked for, and I knew that if I explained that she would fight, she is stubborn you see” both of them laughed, Charlotte was so intrigued this was the first time interviewing an artist that she could truly see how genuine they were, “anyways I couldn’t do that, risk her career. So I left, without saying goodbye or explaining, I couldn’t do it as I knew I wouldn’t leave. It wasn’t just my dream”

“And she never knew?”

“No she never knew, there were times I wanted to explain but new threats would occur, to her and my band mates so I just did what I could do to forget how broken I was”

“Am I right in thinking she is the muse to your songs?”

Lexa laughed, “yes, my heart has only been for one person, we met very young you know so yeah it has always been her”

“She sounds like a great girl, but I have to say, being a girl myself, more fool you for leaving her”

“Yes you are right, and that was why when I went home and I saw her again I realised that all of this means nothing without her, and I would give it all up just for one moment with her again”

“Big words”

“I don’t say anything I don’t mean, that is why me and the band have decided to leave Heda Music and once we have taken the time needed, we will be back with new material, give the fans the true sound of Tikru” The interview ended with that statement, and Lexa looked out to her band mates and friends. She could see the tears on some of their faces, and she knew they had found it hard listening to her explain, after all she had kept it to herself. There was one face, that she noticed wasn’t there, and it broke her heart. She deserved it she figured.

 

* * *

 

 

After the interview Lexa was emotionally drained. Everyone expressed how they felt, more ways than one, but all in all she felt relieved. How she had been feeling all these years was now out there. Why she had been acting like a douche was now out there, and with the interview already been released her fans could totally understand why this was needed. The rest of the band and her friends had decided to go for drinks, but she needed some time so she headed to the one place she had found some peace recently. Siting on the fountain, she looked up to the stairs. This had always been the place that Jake would take her and Clarke, and even now after all this time it was the one place she felt the safest and at peace. She was certain she could feel Jake’s presence here, smiling she remembered the last time she saw him;

_4 years ago_

_“You know kid, you’ve looked better” Lexa looked up from the studio couch to see the one man she never expected to see._

_“Jake!!!” She didn’t care how hungover she felt right now, Lexa jumped up and gave him a hug. It had been over 6 months since she last saw him when he came to one of the bands small shows, surprising them all._

_“Smelt better too” Jake joked, it was true Lexa smelt like a brewery right now having come straight to the studio after a night out. Lexa just smiled, she didn’t care right now._

_“You know I am proud of you kid, they would be too” Lexa smiled at Jake, after losing her parents Jake and Abby had been the ones who filled that void. They could never replace them, but they were there when she needed them._

_“The thing is Lexa, there is someone else too that is just as proud. Stubborn but proud” Turning away, Lexa knew who Jake was talking about. Clarke._

_“I can’t-“_

_“You can, no matter what has happened she still loves you, and no matter  what  she will flourish, more so with you by her side” It didn’t take Jake and Abby long to figure out Lexa’s reasons for leaving their daughter so abruptly, afterall she was like a daughter to them and they knew Lexa would only hurt Clarke if she felt she had no other choice. And Clarke needed Lexa now, Jake knew it._

_“I hurt her though, she’ll never forgive me”_

_Jake smiled, “Lexa come on, me and your parents all knew and still know, you two, you are destined to be together. Remember when you was 12 years old and you asked for Clarke’s hand in marriage?” Lexa laughed and nodded, “Do you remember what I said?”_

_Smiling Lexa recalled the words, “You asked me why it had taken me that long to ask you and I said I needed to be sure I was good enough to have the love of your daughter, which you said Lexa no matter what you do in this life I know you will always be good enough…but I was 12 and now I have hurt her”_

_“Lexa, love is never easy. There will be times where you hurt the people you love, and do things they don’t understand but the thing is I know you only do things to protect those you love. You are going through things now in order to just survive, but Lexa isn’t life more than just surviving?” Jake looked at Lexa. This past year she had just gone through the moments, building the bands success, surviving._

_“look kid I love you, we all do, and so does she. You two are meant to be, and I’ll be at your wedding telling everyone how a cheeky 12-year-old asked for my daughters hand in marriage, and how that very girl has always been worthy of my daughter’s love, my love” He hugged Lexa, who grabbed on to his shirt for as long as she could remember. Not knowing that a week later she would hear that he would no longer visit._

4 years and she still remembered that conversation. Jake had really convinced Lexa to reach out, and she nearly did until she heard the news. It devastated her and without Jake she truly felt like she didn’t deserve anyone’s love. Now she had finally let the world know her struggles, to a certain extent. She wished she could turn back time and make a few different decisions, but she was no fool she knew life wasn’t that easy but she had to try. Afterall, she had gained Jake’s blessing when she was 12.  

 

* * *

 

 

Clarke had spent the afternoon packing once Niylah had left. For the first time she didn’t feel guilty about being with someone other than Lexa, her one night stands over the years had left her feel ashamed but that wasn’t something she felt right now. Maybe something could come of it, but she knew she wouldn’t allow herself to be completely open to that which was a shame, Niylah was a nice girl.

With her music blaring in the apartment, she began grabbing the essentials she would need. Moving to

Australia was slowly beginning to become real, even if it was just for filming, still she would be away from home for at least 6 months, she had no idea what she needed to take and she couldn’t ask her friends for help. She still hadn’t told them. Sighing she grabbed her phone, with only one day left before she flew it was time to let her friends know;

 

**Group Chat**

PrincessClarke: is everyone free later? I need help packing…

Anya: I’m free

Linc: I’m free after 8pm

RavingRae: PACKING!? FOR WHAT?

PrincessClarke: Well I have some news which I will explain later

BabyBlake: Yeah I am free but I am now worried? What news means packing??

BigBlake: I am free

RavingRae: OMG YOU TOOK IT!!!

BabyBlake: took what?

RavingRae: O, remember the movie????

TheCommander: I am free…if the invite applies to me

Anya: Of course it does, Clarke? After today you need your friends too Lex

Clarke looked at her screen, what did Anya mean? Maybe it had something to do with the announcement Raven was talking about, but she wasn’t entirely sure how she would feel with Lexa being here later.

PrincessClarke: Sure the more the merrier, I have a lot of stuff to organise with only one day to do it in

BabyBlake: One day?  

***Incoming Call RavingRae***

“I am right aren’t I?”

“Hello Raven” Clarke sighed she knew Raven wouldn’t wait until later.

“Just tell me”

“Right okay but promise not to fly off the handle okay?”

“I make no promises, you know that” Rolling her eyes, Clarke caved and prepared herself for the onslaught of Raven’s reaction. “Okay, so yes you are right I took the movie-“

“But it is in Australia, you said you wasn’t ready for that”

“I wasn’t, but Rae I need to do this. It is so hard to be around all of you at the minute-“

“So you are running?”

“No I am not, I am putting my career first. I am doing this for me”

“No you are running, you are doing exactly what Lexa did only this time you are doing it to all of us-

“Do not compare me to her” Clarke was angry, she expected Raven to react badly but being compared to Lexa was just a low blow.

“How long have you known?” Shit, she knew if she told Raven she had known for a couple of days she would kill her nut she also couldn’t like to one her best friends. “A couple of days” Raven hung up.

“Fuck” Clarke exclaimed, she knew she had fucked up not telling Raven or Octavia when she knew, they promised each other they would always tell each other things especially if one was thinking of leaving the city. But how could Clarke tell them that one of the reasons she wanted to leave was because she couldn’t take being around everyone right now. Everything was reminding her of what she had, and she couldn’t deal with it;

 

**Group  Chat**

PrincessClarke: Raven, I am sorry okay just let me do this! Please don’t be angry, I made a decision that I needed to do and I will explain later

BabyBlake: Don’t worry we will ALL be there later princess

“I can’t fucking believe it, after everything…we all promised and now she’s just going to run away” Anya just let her girlfriend rant, she could tell that whatever Clarke had said, Raven wasn’t happy about it, “I mean why would she do this?” Raven looked at Anya, and just fell into her arms. She didn’t understand and didn’t know why Clarke had kept something from her, something as big as this, “She’s leaving An, she’s going to another country”.

Anya comforted Raven for as long as she needed. Everyone knew Raven hated it when people left, especially Anya. From being a child people came and went, only having a constant when she met Clarke and Octavia so she always took it personally when anyone left without explaining and Anya knew Clarke doing just that would hurt Raven more than she would admit. “Babe, maybe we should go around to your place, speak to Clarke I am sure she can explain” Raven nodded, as much as she was angry she didn’t want to avoid Clarke, she wanted to understand, she needed too.

After Raven hung up, Clarke crumbled. She had been holding everything together but Raven’s reaction threw her. She knew her friend would be angry, but now she didn’t even think the girl would come see her before she left. There was times where she worried if she made the right decision but then she remembered all the reasons she needed to leave. Getting up she began finishing off collecting her things from the apartment that she would take, hesitating whether to take the group photo from the last time they went to the zoo with her father. She loved the photo but she didn’t want anything reminded her of Lexa, who was front and centre in the photo hugging her father.

“I miss you dad” fresh tears began falling, he was her rock and would’ve known exactly what to say. Sighing she picked up her phone, there was someone else she needed to tell about her plans;

***Outgoing call***

“Hello, Clarke is that you?”

“Hi Mum”

“Baby this is a surprise is everything okay?” Clarke hadn’t spoken to her mum for some time with their work schedules always clashing. They weren’t as close as they used to be, and that was partly Clarke’s fault pushing everyone away when Lexa left and when her father died.

“Yes mum I have some news”

“Baby can I call you back I have a patient I need to see, I’ll call you back okay”

Abby hung up, it was always the case with the two of them and Clarke sighed. Where she pushed everyone away her mum threw herself into her work. She was going to have to talk to her mum later, or even call her on the plane.

Checking the time, she knew her friends would be around soon so she grabbed a shower allowing the water to cascade around her and relax her muscles. She still ached from her night with Niylah, who she realised she hadn’t messaged since. Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad inviting her round tonight to help, she thought. Or would that cause unnecessary drama with Lexa? Fuck it she thought, she was entitled to some fun and well Niylah would know what she should bring more than anyone, she was going to Australia as well. Putting on some shorts and a tank top, but still making sure she looked good, she sent a quick text to Niylah who quickly replied to tell her she would be there.

Smiling she headed to the kitchen, noticing they didn’t have food in for everyone she decided she would make a pizza order. After what seemed only half an hour, she heard a knock on the door, that was quick she thought, normally the pizza would take at least an hour expecting it to arrive when everyone else did. Grabbing her money she opened the door without even checking who it was.

“Lexa, what are you doing here?” she was surprised to find the brunette, who looked beautiful as ever stood at the door.

“Sorry am I too early, I can go and-“

“No, no it’s okay I just wasn’t expecting anyone this early” Shit Clarke couldn’t help the butterflies that had made an appearance, something she thought had long gone. “Come in”.

Lexa stepped into the apartment, and took in the surroundings. It was the first time she had been here, and she couldn’t help but notice the paintings that were clearly Clarkes, alongside the random mechanical items that were Ravens from her hobby. Taking her coat off, she put it on the back of the sofa. She could tell Clarke was nervous, as she was still standing by the door staring intently at her.

“Clarke you are staring” She smirked, the smirk she knew got Clarke flustered in the past but she couldn’t help it, she took Clarke in too and quickly noticed the hicky on the blondes neck who tried to hide it with her hair, but she could never hide it from Lexa and suddenly she regretted being here.

“Maybe I should go-“

“No Lexa you need to be here, just like everyone, were friends right” Clarke stepped into the kitchen and grabbed two glasses, “Do you want a drink?” Lexa was still stood there, ‘friends’ that’s what Clarke had said and it hurt. Clarke was more than that to her, always would be but if that’s what the blonde wanted well she was going to have to take it.

“Yeah sure, just a water please” Lexa headed over to Clarke and leant against the worktop. She couldn’t help but stare at Clarke as she leant over to fill the two glasses of water. She was still just as beautiful and it made Lexa’s mouth go dry.

“Here” Lexa grabbed the glass, and noticed how Clarkes hand lingered or had she imagined it.

“Thanks” she whispered. Both girls drank their water, taking sneaky glances at each other.  This was awkward.

“So packing” Lexa began.

“Yeah, I’m well, I’m-“ Clarke didn’t know why she felt nervous telling Lexa.

“It’s okay Clarke you don’t need to tell me if you don’t want too” Lexa gave her a reassuring smile, as much as she wanted to know she knew Clarke needed her time and well she would find out when she told the rest of the gang soon.

“No, maybe telling you first will help telling the rest of the gang” Clarke nervously smiled, “6 weeks ago I got offered a role in a film alongside Jennifer Lawrence and Niylah Forest” Lexa knew both actresses, one a little bit too much during a drunken night out a while ago, but she also knew how successful they were and how much it would mean for Clarke to get a role in a film with them in.

“Anyways, I was hesitant to take it but recently I realised I needed to take it, the past few weeks, well they have been a rollercoaster for me and filming is in Australia so I figured why not, 6 months in Australia couldn’t hurt” Clarke looked at Lexa, and noticed how her grip on the glass had suddenly got tight enough she could see the whites of her knuckles.

“When do you leave?” Lexa whispered, her heart was pounding she didn’t want to believe what she was hearing, she had returned and had finally realised what she wanted but now maybe it wasn’t something she could have.

“Soon, the day after tomorrow” Clarke looked at Lexa, really looked at Lexa. She could tell the girl she once loved seemed tired, lost even. Her eyes always gave her away with Clarke, and it didn’t go unnoticed that they were now teary, did Lexa still care?

“Lex are you okay?” Lexa looked at Clarke, into her eyes and both girls could feel the tension between them. It never went anywhere.

Looking into Clarke’s eyes she felt at home, and she noticed the glance the blonde made a look to her lips. She didn’t need any more invite. Stepping forward she put her hand on Clarke’s waist and brought the blonde towards her, seeking permission with her eyes, she brought her thumb up and caressed Clarke’s cheek waiting. She didn’t wait long, Clarke closed the gap and she found herself kissing those lush lips she dreamt about kissing again. The kiss was hesitant but with intent, both girls feeling each other after all this time. Eventually it became passionate with Clarke breaking away, out of breath.

“I can’t-“ She looked down at her feet, Lexa was still holding her and as much as she wanted to lose herself she just couldn’t. She didn’t forgive the girl in front of her and this was purely because she was leaving and her emotions were everywhere. Lexa felt her heart sink, how could you be on a high, a natural high, one minute and the next a suddenly hit rock bottom. Stepping back, Lexa grabbed the glass of water and went to fill it, she just needed something to do.

Clarke couldn’t understand what had happened but before she could think any more about it she heard the front door open. For once her friends had perfect timing. Quickly straightening down her hair, she looked over to Lexa giving her a reassuring smile before greeting whichever of her housemates had returned. It was Raven.

“You need to tell me everything right now” Raven didn’t even look to see if anyone was home and stormed up to Clarke, with Anya closely rolling her eyes giving Clarke a look as to say be warned.

“Rae I will just not now” Clarke tried to indicate to her best friend that they had company, but it went unnoticed.

“No Clarke, you said earlier you needed some space and my guess is that it is to do with Lexa, and you know what you need to resolve whatever that is and face facts that she is back. They are all back, and I’m sorry if you felt like we betrayed you by keeping things from you but Clarke both me and O saw what it did to you, we nearly lost you. We spent every night in the hospital-“

“RAVEN NOT NOW” Clarke shouted, stopping Raven’s rant.

The feisty brunette then looked around and noticed that Lexa was in the room, “O I didn’t know you were here Lex, look Clarke just please don’t go without sorting this” Raven pleaded, she knew she had overstepped with what she said, no one truly knew what Clarke went through when Lexa left, only Raven and O. Even Anya didn’t know everything.

“Hospital?” Lexa whispered, Clarke turned to face the brunette that she only kissed moments ago.

“Look its nothing, it was a long time ago and right now I don’t want to talk about it,” she glared at Raven who only glared back, to hell it was nothing thought Raven and it was time her best friend faced things. “I just want to spend tonight packing and with my friends, please?” she needed her best friend to drop it for now.

Raven hugged Clarke, “I will talk just not with her here” Clarke whispered which seemed to satisfy Raven.

“Right then, let’s start packing, where’s the pizza princess?” Anya winked at the blonde trying to lighten the mood, which had severely turned tense and uncomfortable.

“On its way, help yourself to whatever and join me in my room, we have suitcases to pack” Clarke headed to her room not waiting for anyone to follow, she needed some space to breathe. She didn’t blame Raven for being slightly pissed off but her nearly letting Lexa know about something she had kept a secret for so long, threw her. Lexa couldn’t know just how bad she was when she left;

 

_4 and ½ years ago_

_It had been 6 months since she left. Left Clarke alone in bed after a night of sex and promises of the future. 6 months Clarke had spent drowning her emotions through alcohol and god knows what when she was too out of it to care. Most mornings she would wake up in someone else’s bed, barely remembering anything and that was where she found herself this morning. It was a guy next to her, it normally was only going for girls if she was too drunk to care, there was only one girl she wanted to be with that’s for sure._

_She was still drunk or high, she didn’t really know at this point, she never did or did she care. Her friends tried and tried to get her back to her old self, but she didn’t even know who that was anymore. Her dad too had tried, but she just avoided him these days. She wasn’t stupid, she knew they were all still in contact with the band and with Lexa in some form and she just couldn’t face it. No, a bottle of Jack Daniels had become her best friend. What was surprising was her artwork and acting career had taken off too, which kept her busy when she wasn’t drunk or nursing a hangover._

_Slowly she got out of the bed, that was not her own, she never brought anyone back to her place. Her friends would kill her if they knew just how lost she truly had become. Not that they didn’t know, they were no fools but they knew Clarke wouldn’t turn to them until she was ready. Truly ready._

_“Babe where you going?” The guy woke up, she couldn’t even remember his name._

_“Home, I need to go home”_

_“No wait stay, I’ll make breakfast, repeat last night” he smirked, glancing down at his groin indicating he was more than ready for a repeat of last night._

_“I’m good Finn, I need to get home” well she did remember his name she hoped._

_Finn, got up and walked towards her, “stay” he growled in her ear pushing her forcefully towards him. She was still drunk, and tumbled back to the bed. “Told you we could repeat last night” Finn pushed himself on top of Clarke, but thankfully the blonde was stronger than she looked, and shoved him off, quickly getting up in the process grabbing her jeans and top from last night._

_“No I need to go home” she shouted back at him, quickly putting on her jeans and top not hearing him come behind her. Grabbing her again he tried to pull her back, kissing her neck and collarbone._

_“Come on I know you want it too, you weren’t saying no to me last night” he whispered, it only made Clarke feel disgusted in herself, why did drunk her should choose a guy like this._

_“No” she repeated, and as she struggled to get out of his grip she knocked her head on the wall leaving her disorientated, “just let me go” she repeated and stumbled out of the hallway to the front door. What Clarke didn’t know that directly out the door was an extremely busy highway and even when Finn tried to call her back, she just assumed it was because he still wouldn’t take no for an answer. She didn’t see it. The car that hit her. But she felt it. The pain. She truly thought that was the end, and there was only green eyes and brunette hair that she thought about before she lost consciousness._

Clarke shivered remembering that day. She didn’t wake up until 3 weeks later, having sustained a lot of injuries and going into a coma. It shook her, and she knew she had numbed herself full of drink and drugs to not feel. She nearly died that day, Raven and Octavia told her months later she had to receive CPR. Her dad was the one who pulled her out of it, told her she had more to live for. So she stopped drinking, chose to focus on her art and her acting and tried to forget, dealing with the panic attacks the best she could, which had become a result of the incident. Every time something happened with the band or Lexa her friends would worry that she would spiral out of control again, hell she nearly did when she saw they were returning. But Raven and Octavia stood by her, reminding her of just how far she went to not caring if she was here or not. And she couldn’t do that to them, not to her dad either.

“I’m sorry” Raven pulled her out of her thoughts, Clarke looked at Raven and embraced her, “No I am sorry, I was doing it again, pushing everyone away”

“I know, I was scared Clarke, I thought you was going too-“

“I wont I promise, I promised you remember, and O and my dad” Raven smiled, she loved Clarke like she was a sister and she nearly lost her.

“I just don’t want to lose you”

“You wont Rae, im only away for 6 months and I promise you can be my date at the premier”

“You promise?” Raven couldn’t help but smirk.

“I promise, just don’t go hassling Jennifer Lawrence too much if I do”

“ O I don’t know Clarke I don’t think she could handle the hotness that is Reyes” Raven winked, and just like that everything was normal. That was just how they were.

“Okay let’s get you packed” Raven opened the door and shouted Anya, Lexa, Octavia and Lincoln who had just arrived. Clarke smiled, as much as she hated the thought she was leaving she knew this was what she needed and well she had a great support network behind her. As for Lexa, she didn’t know what it was but she couldn’t think about it not right now.

After a couple of hours, all the gang had arrived and with Clarke explaining her move, they were a little sad but also supportive. Lexa hadn’t said much, she was still reeling from earlier the kiss and Raven bringing up something Clarke clearly didn’t want her to know about. Despite that she was glad she was here, with her friends and seeing Clarke laugh and the horrendous Australian jokes Jasper and Monty were telling. There was a knock on the door, and suddenly Clarke got nervous. She completely forgot she had invited Niylah and she hadn’t even had chance to talk to Raven and Octavia about it.

“Who could that be? We are all here!” Octavia laughed. Clarke just shrugged and headed to the door, opening it she saw how much effort Niylah had gone into making sure she looked good, and here Clarke was in her shorts and tank top.

“Hey there” Niylah smiled giving Clarke a quick peck on the cheek as she walked in, “I hope I’m not too late”

“Not at all, everyone is here” Clarke took Niylah’s hand and directed her towards the living area where everyone was sitting.

“O hey Niylah didn’t know you was coming” Raven got up to greet the girl, she knew Niylah from a previous film they did together.

“Yeah Clarke invited me, seen as I’ll be there in Australia I can make sure she doesn’t pack her entire bedroom” everyone laughed, Niylah was easy to get along with and was a natural at meeting new people. She quickly said her hello’s avoiding Lexa completely, which didn’t go unnoticed by Bellamy and Lincoln who gave a quick look to eachother.

“So what did I miss?” Niylah placed herself by Clarke, quickly putting her arm around Clarke’s shoulder. Raven raised her eyebrows at Octavia who quickly knew what she was thinking. So this was Clarke’s date.

“Nothing much, but Clarke can you come with me and Octavia a second we got you something” Clarke looked at her two friends, knowing full well this was a ploy. Nodding, she got up and followed them into Raven’s room.

“Out with it” Clarke sighed, she knew her friends were holding back their questions.

“You and Niylah?” Octavia exclaimed.

“Yes, me and Niylah, it’s nothing serious-“

“I should hope not”

“And why not Raven?” Clarke didn’t like the way Raven was, like she knew something she didn’t.

“She’s bad news, okay just trust me!”

“Look Rae I will make up my own mind up and well the sex was good” She smirked.

“What about Lexa?” Octavia didn’t hesitate to ask, she was still on the clexa bandwagon and really wanted them to resolve their issues.

“What about Lexa?” Clakre looked at her friends, daring them to go further but they knew not to poke the bear.

“Clarke just be careful okay”

“I will be I promise”

“Im going to miss you, ya know” Octavia pulled Clarke in for a hug, which Raven joined. Clarke started to get teary, despite the past few weeks these two were her sisters and she knew 6 months away from them was going to be hard.

Meanwhile, the rest of the gang were trying to think of a way to stop Clarke from leaving.

“Why don’t you want her to leave and persue a dream role?” Niylah was getting frustrated with the group, couldn’t they see how much of an opportunity this was for Clarke.

“Because we know Clarke, this isn’t the kind of success she wants. Shes running, don’t act like you know her” Anya didn’t like Niylah one bit, and gave her a look of disgust. Anya knew all about Niylah.

“I think I know Clarke quite well after the other night that’s for sure” mocked Niylah, who noticed the look she got from Lexa.

“Don’t think sleeping with Clarke makes you someone who knows her, trust me your far from knowing the true Clarke” Bellamy snapped, he didn’t know why but he didn’t like the girl, or the fact that she was winding Lexa and Anya up purposely.

“Well I do have 6 months to get to know her better I guessed” Niylah winked at Lexa as she said that.

“I need to go” Lexa got up, she couldn’t be around Niylah anymore, “don’t leave on my account” Niylah whispered as the brunette passed her. Anya followed Lexa to the hallway, “Lex don’t leave because of that idiot”

“I cant stay An, not now, not with her there and knowing that her and Clarke…I just cant”

“You should tell Clarke what she did maybe there wouldn’t be a Clarke and Niylah”

“like shed believe me An, plus shes leaving there is nothing I can do to change that”

“no but maybe there is something you can do so you can be a part of it, your on a break Lex, you can go anywhere in the world, I hear Australia has some great beaches, and you love beaches”

Lexa just looked at Anya, the thought had crossed her mind earlier but could she do that? Would Clarke want her to do that?

“Maybe, tell Clarke something came up” Lexa grabbed her coat and began to leave.

“Her flight is at 7:30am the day after tomorrow from Heathrow, Lex”

Lexa pretended like she didn’t hear Anya as she left, but she mentally made a note. They kissed earlier, and she knew it was just a moment of weakness on Clarke’s behalf but still it had happened. Australia, maybe that wasn’t such a bad idea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So what did we think? I wanted to show the reasons behind Clarke trying to not let Lexa in too easily, it's going to be hard as she knows she spiralled last time Lexa left.   
> Also what do you think is the issue with Lexa and Niylah?   
> Can't wait for you to find out :)


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry it has taken some time - i have been working and went on holiday!

Tomorrow she would be leaving. Her best friend, basically her sister and she still couldn’t help but feel angry. Raven had spent most of the night tossing and turning, still unsure what to do about it. She knew there was nothing she could do to change the blonde’s mind, but she just didn’t understand. And then there was Niylah. She was not Clarke’s type, and she knew her friend had been avoided all the advances the past few years, and well she just didn’t trust the girl. Raven just didn’t understand her best friends’ actions at all, it was like she was acting on impulse recently and well she was worried.

 “Rae, breakfast is ready” Anya called from the kitchen. Then there was Anya she thought. Raven felt guilty, as soon as the band came back she had got so wrapped up in being back with Anya, she had forgot her best friend. And here she was pretty much in a bliss of love, contemplating proposing to the women she loved, and her best friend was leaving. She felt guilty. Being back with Anya made her complete, she knew she was the one. In a way they had all got swept up in the fact they were back. Not once thinking about it impacted on Clarke. And she needed to do something, she couldn’t have her best friend leaving thinking they didn’t care;

 **Group Chat**

RavingRae: 8pm tonight at mine.

BabyBlake: What for?

BigBlake: I’ll be there

Anya: Ok...

Lincoln: I’ll be there

TheCommander: Sure

RavingRae: We are throwing Clarke a leaving party, we owe it to her

BabyBlake: YES, I’ll get supplies!

BigBlake: Cookie Dough

Monty: I’ll be there, I’m going to miss that blonde

BarmanJas: I’ll be there with bells on

TheCommander: On second thoughts….

RavingRae: No you don’t Lex, you will be there. You get once chance to say goodbye, don’t be that person. I am not losing her, we need to be there show her we care!

Anya: She’s right

BabyBlake: You need to be there Lex, you really do

Lexa just stared at her phone. Her head was all over. They kissed. And now Raven was asking her to attend a leaving party, meaning she would have to see her again and say goodbye. She couldn’t do it last time, what made them think she could do it this time;

TheCommander: I can’t say goodbye to her…

Anya: you didn’t last time, and it destroyed her, you need to be there.

RavingRae: I’m coming over and I will drag your ass here if I have too!

BigBlake: For once Lexa don’t think about yourself, think about her.

Lexa rolled her eyes, she knew this wasn’t a battle she was going to win with her friends but she just didn’t know how she could say goodbye. Sighing, she got up and go changed to go for a run. She needed to clear her head. Putting her I-pod in, she finished stretching and headed out the door. Before she knew it her feet just guided her along the streets until she found herself back at her favourite spot in the city. The park.

Smiling, she ran through familiar trails and began to think about Clarke leaving. It hurt her when she found out, but at the same time she was proud. Clearly Clarke had made her success and now nothing was going to stop that, this film would be huge for the blonde. Australia was far. That was something Lexa was aware of, having been before and the time difference would be a bitch to keep in touch with everyone. And well Lexa knew Clarke, she knew her reasons for doing this, she needed space. But could Lexa say goodbye? She couldn’t the last time;

_5 years ago_

_They had come to their favourite spot in the city, a hill in the park overlooking the fountain and the city. They always came here. Lexa looked at the blonde next to her. She was gorgeous as always and she knew it would probably be a long time before they would sit here together. So she took everything in. The sounds, the smell and her touch as Clarke held her close with her hand wrapped around her neck._

_“I love you lex”_

_“I love you too Clarke” Lexa’s eyes began to fill with tears, so she stared up in the sky so the blonde wouldn’t notice._

_“What you thinking?” Smiling, Lexa just shrugged. Clarke always did this, wanting to know everything, trying to fix the puzzle that was Lexa Woods, and well Lexa loved it as it meant someone cared enough about her to want to know. She hated the thought that she would be losing this._

_“I’m thinking that this is my favourite place with my favourite person, you know that Lex, you are my favourite everything” Clarke smiled widely at her, and Lexa got lost in her eyes. They were stuck in the moment for what seemed like hours, just staring at each other, taking each other in. Eventually Lexa pulled Clarke in for a kiss. This felt different, like all the things unsaid was being unsaid and Lexa didn’t want it to end._

_“We should go” Clarke whispered, knowing where this would lead them. Getting up Lexa led Clarke back to the blonde’s apartment, where they quickly intertwined as soon as they walked through the door. Lexa lifted the blonde up, who wrapped her legs around the brunettes’ waist not releasing from Lexa’s lips. Grabbing the blonde tightly, Lexa led them to the bedroom, which had candles already lit which she had planned earlier._

_Sitting Clarke on the bed, lexa kneeled between the blondes legs and looked at Clarke sincerely taking in every feature._

_“Lex, you okay?” Clarke could see the emotions running through Lexa’s eyes, but the brunette just kissed her pushing her back on the bed. Well Clarke wasn’t going to complain, already feeling the wetness beginning to ruin her pants._

_Lexa began trailing kisses all over Clarke, worshipping every part of the blonde. She knew this would be the last time in a long time she would be able to do this, and she wanted to make sure it lasted forever. Clarke on the other end had other ideas, she was already feeling needy wanting Lexa to give her what she wanted._

_Pulling Lexa in for a deeper kiss, Clarke’s hands began roaming around the brunettes back eventually pulling her top off revealing toned abs which Clarke adored. Smirking, she pulled her own top off and watched how her girlfirends eyes filled with lust. Yes, she would get her way as always and was quickly met with Lexa kissing her pulse point whilst guiding her hand slowly to where Clarke needed her the most. Without hesitation Clarke pulled off her jeans allowing Lexa more access. However, Lexa stopped and cupped Clarke’s cheek;_

_“I love Clarke, more than you ever know, and I always will no matter what, you are my world” If Clarke hadn’t been so wrapped up in needing her release she would have noticed the emotions hidden in Lexa’s eyes, but no she wanted the release and quickly pulled Lexa in who wasn’t going to deny the blonde._

_Morning came, and Lexa looked at the sleeping blonde. The night before had been perfect, blissful even with them both being lost in each other. Carefully Lexa got out of bed, and looked at the blonde again. She looked peaceful. Happy. She wanted to cherish the moment and never forget it, so she took a photo of the sleeping blonde. Kissing her forehead Lexa wanted to tell the blonde everything but couldn’t do it, “I love you Clarke, always”_

_Lexa left the apartment and was met by Anya who just took the girl in her arms as she broke down, which would be the first of many times that this would occur within the following five years._

Sighing, Lexa looked at that photo. That night will always remain one of her favourite and worst memories and she tried so hard to find the words to say good bye but didn’t want to see the hurt on Clarkes face, not when she could see how happy she was. But this time was different, she wasn’t leaving. Clarke was leaving.

 

* * *

 

Clarke leaving made Bellamy realise so much. That was why he was stood in front of the door to her house. The girl he still loved. He was nervous, they had been messaging backwards and forwards since he had returned but now he was going to finally see her. See him too.

He had been waiting for this moment for a long time. Granted he had seen photos these past 5 years but photos were photos, even though he cherished them greatly. He had been with the band 6 months when he found out, that the girl he left and still loved, was pregnant. He knew it was his without question, and immediately he wanted to quit the band, but Pike had told him not too. How could he provide for a family with nothing? So he stayed with the band, and as the success grew he knew that one day he would return and give them both everything they deserved. Now here he was.

He didn’t have to knock, as the door began to open. Stood in the door way was the cutest 4 year old he had ever seen, with dark floppy hair, just like his, with a toothy grin. Bellamy crouched down and smiled at the boy, “Hello Aden”.

Aden just looked at him, and it seemed like he was trying to place who he was. Bellamy knew there was not much chance that he knew who he was. Eventually Aden smiled and ran up to Bellamy pulling him into a hug, “Dada” Aden whispered and there and then Bellamy’s heart melted. He knew who he was, his son knew who he was and he had never felt so happy and complete. He didn’t want to let the boy go.

 

* * *

 

Everything was packed. Her room looked bare, even though most of her things were still there, it still looked bare. She was grateful that Raven and Octavia would keep her room for her, not that she expected them to kick her out, although Raven did contemplate it at first just because Clarke hadn’t told her straight away. At least she had a place to come back too. Clarke turned out the light and closed the door, she would be staying at a hotel tonight near the airport as her flight was early and it would save her friends from driving her hungover, which she knew would be the case. Her uber was on it’s way when her phone began to buzz;

RavingRae: Don’t think you are getting off lightly, once you have checked in at the hotel I am picking you up and we are going for food and drinks blondie, you owe me!

PrincessClarke: Yes boss, wouldn’t dream of letting you down in case you plant a bomb in my luggage

RavingRae: Who says I haven’t ;)

Smiling Clarke headed to the Uber with her cases in tow, which took her to the hotel. She was excited now everything was packed, although slightly nervous. Australia was far, but she was grateful Niylah would be there, despite being unsure where or if that could go anywhere. No, in a few days she will be settling down in Sydney, reading lines and portraying a part that would be extremely easy to do. After all it was a very familiar story to her, tow best friends falling in love. It was going to be a huge film, which would bring success that Clarke wasn’t sure she was ready for. But it was now or never, she had spent too long putting things off. Now was her time.

Once Clarke checked in, she headed to the hotel lobby waiting for Raven. Lost in her thoughts, she didn’t notice the small group of fans taking photos of her, honestly Clarke was still oblivious to the success she already had. No, she was busy thinking about what the next week would hold. Settling in a new country, seeing the sights and meeting her favourite actress. Then it hit her, she was going to have to eventually kiss said actress. Fuck. She hadn’t thought of that. The price you pay for staring alongside Jennifer Lawrence, who Clarke was still surprised had took the leading role. Giggling to herself she didn’t notice Raven sit next to her.

“Come o daydreamer lets get you some food” Clarke just looked at Raven and hugged her.

“Clarke you got this, I am proud, you will be awesome” Raven just knew her friend too well, and was glad she had planned this evening for her. Clarke didn’t reply, doubts were sinking in and she knew her friend knew it, she didn’t need to say anything and that was what she was going to miss.

Both girls got up and got into Raven’s jeep – a new car Clarke noticed rolling her eyes at her friend who just shrugged, “I get bored easy”. It didn’t take Clarke long to get lost in her thoughts, which Raven was grateful for, she didn’t want the blonde to realise where they were going, even though she had taken a long route to throw the blonde off. Eventually they pulled into their apartment car park.

“Rae I thought we was going out?” Clarke was puzzled.

“We are I just forgot something, come on, won’t take long” Sighing, Clarke got out of the car rolling her eyes at her friend. This girl. Raven smirked, and quickly sent Anya a message to tell her they were heading up to the apartment, she only hoped they had managed to get everything finished on time.

“Come on princess, the quicker we get there the quicker we can head to the restaurant” Clarke walked past Raven and got her keys out opening the door, “With that brain of yours Rae you would think you wouldn’t forget things, you know it really-“ Clarke was cut short, as she stepped into the apartment. It was unrecognisable.

All around the place was fairy lights and candles, with photos of her and her friends placed perfectly in the light. It was perfect and she knew it had all been down to the brunette who minutes ago was annoying her. That girl just knew how she was feeling, excited and scared all at once.

“SURPRISE” Everyone stepped out in front of her, and she just turned and hugged Raven, “Thank you so much, you always know”

“Your my best friend, of course I know and tonight you are going to see how much we love you and support you” Clarke let go of Raven, and proceeded to hug Octavia who was already getting teary, “I will be okay O, I promise” These tow girls were her rocks, and she wished she could fit them in her suitcase.

“Come on don’t hog Clarke, she leaves tomorrow” Jasper pulled Clarke away from Raven and Octavia and gave her a hug, “I got you this for the flight” he handed her a hip flask, and she already knew what was inside – she hated flying and his special brew always helped her sleep. “Thanks” Clarke went to hug everyone else, Lincoln, Anya who told her to make sure she skyped Raven every week so she didn’t have to come and bring her back, Monty, Bellamy who was beaming with happiness and Luna who had come along, despite being her manager she was also one of her close friends.

Then there was Lexa. Clarke hadn’t noticed her to begin with, but there she was in all her beauty stood under the fairy lights, staring at one of the photos that had been put up. It was of the two of them reading Harry Potter at the cabin. No words were said when Clarke caught Lexa’s eye, she just walked up to her and hugged her. Both were overwhelmed by the emotions they felt, Lexa didn’t know what to say but Clarke did, “I am not saying goodbye to you, I get it you know, how hard it must have been” Lexa just moved her head so could breathe her in. It felt like home. Eventually the two broke apart, and Clarke headed over to the group who had already began eating the food that had been prepared. Lexa, took it all in before Clarke walked over and pulled her to the group.

The evening consisted of a lot of reminiscing, telling embarrassing stories and Raven basically telling the group she was going to make Anya an honest woman soon. That led to more drink and food, and Raven and Anya arguing over who would propose to who, with everyone taking bets on who would actually do it – Clarke backed her friend knowing full well Raven had already got things planned.

After a few beers, Clarke felt slightly buzzed but didn’t want to drink too much with her flying in the morning, she hated flying. She headed to the balcony to get some fresh air, and well to clear her head. Tonight had been really important to her, and she wished she could take everyone with her. She hated goodbyes, hated leaving people. Pickng up her guitar that had been left outside, she began strumming along. This was her way of relaxing, if she wasn’t painting and she clearly remembered the day she got this guitar;

 

_10 years ago_

_“Come on Clarke, pick one” Jake had brought his daughter to the music shop, after she had come home telling him she wanted to learn the guitar. It didn’t take him long to realise this was because a certain brunette had started playing. Those two girls. Now he was waiting for his teenage daughter to pick one, and he knew he was in for a wait._

_Smiling, he allowed Clarke to roam around the shop whilst he picked up a few items that she would need. He knew how determined his daughter was, especially when it involved a certain brunette, so he knew it wouldn’t be long before Clarke mastered the guitar. Nothing was ever a faze for his daughter, her art proved that as well as her acting. No, he knew his daughter would spend the next month in her room learning every chord possible to then show her friends just what she could do. If only his daughter would realise it was all because she was in love with one friend._

_“This one dad” he looked up to where Clarke was pointing, it was a red and black acoustic guitar that had been picked out – perfect he thought. Nodding, he told the shop assistant and got everything paid for. The price was worth it when he saw the grin on his daughters face as she ran up to her room when they got home to ‘practice being a superstar’ she said. He always told her that._

“Practicing being a superstar” Clarke looked up and saw Lexa standing in the doorway, listening to Clarke’s strumming.

“Yes, that was what he always said I was doing, every time I painted, acted and played”

“He would be proud of you Clarke, and probably telling you to watch out for the spiders and snakes” Both girls laughed, it was true that would be exactly what he would say, doing his best crocodile Dundee expression.

“I miss him”

“Me too Clarke, me too” Lexa took Clarke’s hand and held it tight. Clarke just stared out into the night, her heart was racing being this close to Lexa but holding her hand she felt safe, like anything was possible. She hated her for leaving, hated her for keeping things from her but was she any better? She was now leaving, she had kept things from Lexa and she did not want to say goodbye.

“There you both are!” Octavia pulled them both out of their thoughts, “You have the guitar too, perfect time for some music” Octavia grinned at Clarke, standing up Clarke looked at Lexa, “You coming?” Lexa looked at Clarke and noticed they were still holding hands as Clarke squeezed hers. “Of course wouldn’t want to miss watcthing the Clarke Griffin perform” She smirked.

“I heard she’s even better than the Lexa Woods” Clarke grinned back which caused Lexa to smile, this was how they used to be, it felt normal.

“We shall see griffin” Lexa grabbed the guitar and pulled Clarke inside, where all her friends had already gathered around a stool waiting for Clarke.

“I see you planned this?” Clarke nodded to Raven who just shrugged, of course she did. Lexa sat beside Anya, taking in the novelty of the situation – it had been a long time she was someone in the audience and not on stage, it was quite enjoyable. Anya put her arm around Lexa, knowing full well her sister was full of emotions but one look of where Lexa was looking and she knew nothing had changed, “Your still whipped” she whispered to which Lexa just nudged her and went back to watching Clarke begin strumming her guitar.

 

_‘Just like a thief_

_You stole my heart_

_Left me to sleep_

_Being miles apart_

_I couldn’t see the beginning or the end_

_So I took a bottle who became my friend_

_As the days turn to weeks_

_You don’t return_

_I guess love is a game_

_A lesson to learn_

_If love is a game_

_I am ready to play_

_But only if your ready too_

_Soon ill be miles away_

_I am scared_

_But not when Im with you_

_Chasing a dream_

_I finally see_

_Saying goodbye isn’t easy_

_I don’t want to talk_

_Just hold me close_

_Tell me the things we used to know_

_If love is a game_

_I am ready to play_

_But only If you’re ready too_

_Soon I’ll be miles away_

_I am scared_

_Will you come with me too?_

_I finally see_

_Even when I couldn’t sleep_

_The eyes of green_

_It was you’_

Clarke looked up, she hadn’t even realised she had been signing or what she had been singing. All of her friends were looking at her. They had realised what she was saying, even If she hadn’t realised herself. Catching Raven’s eye, Clarke stood up and headed to her room – she needed space, she was too overwhelmed. Everyone else didn’t know what to say, as Raven followed Clarke. Lexa felt eyes on her, but didn’t say anything.

“You should go and talk to her” Eventually Octavia broke the silence looking at Lexa.

“I don’t know what to say”

“Don’t say anything, its you and Clarke your actions speak louder than anything else, we all see it” Anya told her sister, with everyone nodding in agreement. Lexa got up and headed towards Clarke’s bedroom, silently knocking on the door before walking in. There she saw Raven crouched down next to Clarke who seemed to be struggling with her breathing. Shit. Lexa knew the signs, Clarke was having a panic attack. Carefully walking into the run Lexa made herself known, and as soon as Clarke saw her she ran towards her wrapping her arms around her. Well Lexa wasn’t expecting that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> & what do we think?  
> Clarke starting to see how hard it is to say goodbye showing her that it wasn't so easy for Lexa - what do you think to that?  
> Do you think Clarke will leave?  
> Lyrics clarke sings are my own


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> very short chapter, let me know what you think?   
> Not sure yet where to take this so any suggestions would be great!

Pushing her suitcases to the check-in area was proving to be a struggle. Pretty much the whole morning had been a struggle. Waking up early, rushing to her hotel to pick up her suitcases, saying goodbye to Raven who eventually let her go to the terminal on her own and well there was the fact she left Lexa whilst she was sleeping, not able to say goodbye. She finally understood how hard it had been for the brunette all those years. But she had to do this, it was her career and she had worked extremely hard for it regardless of how she felt.

“Finally” Niylah walked up to Clarke pulling her into a warm embrace, “I know you are always late but you are cutting it fine” It was true, Clarke only had 10 minutes left to check her bags in.

 “Yeah well, your lucky I am even here” Clarke muttered and didn’t miss the surprised look that appeared on the other girls face. Avoiding what would lead to an explanation, Clarke headed straight to the check-in desk, trying to ignore stares she was receiving from other passengers as she rushed passed them. Thank god they would be travelling first class and got to avoid the queues.

As her bags were being checked-in, Clarke began thinking about a certain brunette she had left. Lexa looked so peaceful when Clarke woke up in her arms. She wasn’t a fool, she knew there was some underlying feelings there for the brunette to calm her down so easily last night. And well she couldn’t ignore how safe she had felt waking up in her arms. But that scared her. Was she a hypocrite for leaving without saying goodbye? She wasn’t sure, but she knew now that she couldn’t find the words, and Lexa needed more than what she could offer right now. Especially with Clarke heading to another country. Timing broke them apart last time, and well Clarke still wasn’t sure if she truly forgave Lexa for it. She understood, for sure but it still hurt.

“Have a safe trip!” Clarke was drawn out of her thoughts, and smiled at the women before taking her passport and heading back to Niylah who was waiting for her. This was it she thought, as she headed towards security not paying any attention to what Niylah was saying, Clarke was truly lost in her thoughts and she knew why. Lexa. What was she doing?

“Clarke!!” The blonde turned just as she walked through security to see Lexa being pulled away by security staff, “She came” she whispered.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time jump!   
> 1 year later - things are different!

_Time jump – 1 year later_

 

She was nervous. The plane was just about to land and after a year of being away, she was finally home. Well the place she grew up in, she wasn’t entirely sure where home was anymore. But know it was Octavia’s and Lincoln’s wedding and she wouldn’t miss it, knowing they had put it off for her return. Plus she had to congratulate Raven for finally proposing to Anya – and claim her bet winnings from Octavia. As the plane got closer, she could see the skyline of the city of London. Home.

 

Waiting for her bags was not helping her nerves as she wasn’t entirely sure who would be waiting for her on the other side. Hopefully it would be Raven. She could use her humour to settle her, as much as she loved Octavia she knew she would be more cautious before asking the questions she had spent the past year avoiding. It was crazy to think what happened last time she was in this airport;

 

_1 year ago_

_“Clarke!!” The blonde turned just as she walked through security to see Lexa being pulled away by security staff, “She came” she whispered. Lexa got out of the guards grasp and ran towards the blonde who walked back through the security gates, ignored Niylah’s call._

_“Clarke” Lexa wrapped up the blonde in a warm embrace, and Clarke soon noticed Anya and Raven reach them quickly talking to the guards to avoid possibly getting arrested._

_“What.? Why?..” Clarke was struggling to get her words out, she just looked up at Lexa not believing that the brunette had come._

_“Well I couldn’t let you go without-“_

_“Without what?” This time Clarke looked into Lexa’s eyes, truly looked into them and she could see the mix of emotions that she knew the brunette was fighting or trying to keep hold on. She was the Lexa that Clarke grew up with, fell in love with, laughed at. It was always the eyes for Clarke, one of the reasons she had spent the last few weeks avoiding them. Avoiding her feelings. That’s when she knew, that she couldn’t keep on hating Lexa for what she did. She still didn’t know the reasons, but she knew if she asked, maybe Lexa would finally tell her – she was yet to watch the interview. All this time, after all when her accident happened it was Lexa’s face she remembered seeing as she lost consciousness. It was always Lexa._

_Sighing, Clarke pulled the brunette closer to her and placed her head on Lexa’s shoulder giving ghost kisses to the brunettes neck. “Home” Clarke whispered._

_With tears in her eyes Clarke pulled away, “I love you Clarke, I couldn’t let you leave without-“_

_“I know Lexa” Clarke cupped Lexa’s cheek and kissed her softly. Both girls felt all the emotion and forgiveness in that kiss._

_“I have to go” whispered Clarke as she pulled away. She had made a commitment and even though she wanted to stay wrapped up in Lexa, o how she wanted to, she wasn’t going to let her heart win this time. This was her career and right now she knew Lexa needed more than she could offer._

_“Lex look at me” Lexa looked up, tears she was fighting back, knowing that Clarke wasn’t going to stay. “Right now I need to do this for me, I need to focus on me. So do you. I don’t know what you have been through but I know what I have been through and so I know the best thing for now” she really wanted to say for a future for us but couldn’t say It “is that we take the time to focus, to heal, to be better. You need to focus and be there for our friends – they’ve missed you! Be you, be Lexa please, let’s stop being lost” Lexa nodded and smiled at Clarke._

_Both girls took one last look at each other, and Lexa held out her arm “Just like when we was little” Clarke smiled knowing all to well what Lexa meant, it was their thing from the day they met, their secret handshake. Clarke grabbed Lexa’s arm, “May we meet again”_

_“May we meet again Clarke” and Lexa walked away, not even stopping when she reached Anya and Raven. Clarke turned after a quick goodbye to Raven and Anya making them promise they would watch over Lexa._

_“Well that will certainly be on the front page tomorrow” Niylah commented when  Clarke finally reached her, leading to a fierce look from the blonde. Clarke hadn’t been aware of the cameras that had took the photos of her and Lexa, and Niylah had been right it was all the magazines could talk about weeks after._

_Once on the plane Clarke let everything sink in, it wasn’t until half way through the journey she finally talked to Niylah who just gave her quick views and opinions of Lexa, which the blonde soon realised her companion was not a fan of the brunette, the reason she would probably find out if she really wanted to but right now she didn’t want to think about it. An hour before she landed in Australia, Clarke noticed that Niylah was watching a Tikru interview she hadn’t seen, Lexa’s interview. It was safe to say when she landed in Australia she was totally unsure if she had made the right decision._

If anything the past year had flown by. Clarke spent the first couple of days toying with her emotions to the point where Niylah dragged her out which she was grateful for and as soon as the movie began shooting she lost all concept of time, only managing to keep in touch with Raven and Octavia on a weekly basis. She hadn’t heard from Lexa, other than the girls saying they hadn’t seen her. Knowing Lexa well, the blonde knew she had retreated to the cabin which Anya confirmed weeks later saying Lexa was finding herself. Clarke knew what that meant, and she knew it was Lexa’s way of healing.

 

6 months turned to a year, as things picked up with the movie and side projects dropped in her lap whilst she was in Australia. Clarke also did her own healing, travelling parts of Australia and New Zealand for 6 weeks before coming back to England. She hadn’t spoken to her friends during that time, until the day she was due to fly back to England letting them know when she would land. So she was nervous and really didn’t know who would be there to meet her in arrivals.

 

Finally all of her bags had arrived, she really needed to learn to travel light she thought, but she had brought back some presents (mainly for Raven, the girl would kill her if she hadn’t). Pushing her luggage she began the walk out towards arrivals. One thing not letting anyone know she was home, meant there should be no press waiting to take her photo – she had been astonished by the influx of interest that occurred due to her photo with Lexa and involvement in the film. Well there was nothing now that could tarnish that, Lexa didn’t need to protect her career anymore which didn’t actually surprise her when she saw that interview. Trust Lexa she thought. Wlaking behind everyone else making their way out of the terminal, she could see some parting off to their friends and family and it made her smile. This is the part she loved about airports. No-one expected her to be there so no-one thought anything of it so she could just be, and be just like everyone else. Coming home from her travels. It helped that she pretty much looked like a traveller right now, in denim shorts, sunkissed skin and tank top with her flannel shirt. Her snapback loosely on her head.

 

Suddenly she stopped. It was always like this. Before seeing her she would feel her presence. Her dad used to laugh at the two, as they would always announce the others arrival, he used to say it was their connection. It wasn’t until Clarke got older that she accepted it for what it was. But right now, in this crowded arrivals area she felt her. Then it was as though time slowed, and people in front of her parted to reveal a tall brunette in skinny ripped jeans and shirt with a shy smile holding a single rose.

 

“Lexa” the next thing she knew, the brunette felt a strong embrace as Clarke engulfed her with a hug. Smiling, Clarke held Lexa close not caring about those around them suddenly noticing who they were, “Home” Lexa whispered, and that was when Clarke knew, after all the years of hating, fighting and timing, this was her home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am thinking of doing a part 2 what do you think?  
> Let me know your thoughts!


End file.
